Pursuit of Something Real

goodbye

2010-01-29T05:26:00.002+02:00

This will be my last post.

A year ago I started this blog. It has been an interesting journey in which I attempted to capture and articulate something real. It wasn't always successful, but perhaps that was an insight into what isn't real. In any case, I truly hope you found at least one post that spoke to your heart. If you did, I count myself fortunate to have played a small part in your life. Thank you for letting me in.

Hopefully I will meet you again in another life.

Goodbye.

odd shaped hole

2010-01-22T11:30:00.003+02:00

You bring me to life.

I light up a room when I enter. I inspire, strengthen and encourage. I move the earth to everyone’s delight. But somehow, it means nothing to me now.

You justify my existence.

When I wake up, there’s an odd shaped hole in my heart. When I go to sleep I drown my pillow in tears as I realise… the hole is a little bigger now.

I become irrelevant without you.

As the sun sets my soul slips away. The world fades behind my tears. One simple thought lingers in my head now.

Where are you?

16 seconds

2010-01-15T12:48:00.002+02:00

You wouldn’t believe the destructive power of 16 seconds. One second you wear a smile while a hint of excitement glitters in your eyes. 16 Seconds later, you lie on the floor. The life you thought you knew shatters into an abyss of broken nights and distraught days. Hold on. I know you don’t want to, but hold on anyway.

When… if you survive those 16 seconds, and if you survive the days, weeks and months that follow, you will be unbreakable. If you survive.

____________________

Sometimes life rips us to shreds. You get a phone call, and in that moment you know you can’t survive this. Hold on! You will come out stronger at the other end. But I beg you, please hold on!

thinking makes it so

2010-01-08T10:56:00.001+02:00

I am worthless…

My life is meaningless…

No one loves me…

No one even cares about me…

This world would be better without me…

____________________

Shakespeare wrote: “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. The question is, are we using our thoughts to manipulate something into appearing good, when it is actually bad? More importantly (I think), do our thoughts convince us that something very beautiful is ugly?

climb

2010-01-01T15:42:00.007+02:00

He stands at the foot of the mountain and stares at the challenge that lies before him. He’s very confident and even a little cocky that he will conquer the mountain. Two days later and he’s made great progress, but it’s not as easy as he thought. A week later he reaches the halfway mark. Unfortunately he’s depleted more than half his strength and resolve.

A fellow climber spots something strange in his backpack… “Why do you have a fire extinguisher in your backpack?” He smiles “I used to be a fireman.” His answer is met with a raised eyebrow and a WTF expression. “Okay… and what is the calculator for?” “When I was writing my finals, I forgot my calculator at home. I did very badly and that maths mark has haunted me since.” Now the stranger has two raised eyebrows… “Okay… and how about that big gift wrapped box?” Sadness fills his eyes “My last girlfriend dumped me because I forgot her birthday.”

____________________

I know what you’re thinking… No one will carry so much from their past with them when they are trying to climb a mountain... no one is that stupid! Or are we? The beginning of a year is a good time to look forward and plan ahead, perhaps even decide what mountain(s) to climb. For me it’s also a good time to look back and let go.

Sometimes we carry terrible baggage around with us. So now I look back at the mistakes I made and say: “Yip, I did that… it was stupid. But it’s not who I am anymore. I won’t allow it to define me, and I won’t allow the memory of who I was spoil the possibilities of who I want to be.”

It's much easier to go forward if you stop looking back.

merry christmas

2009-12-25T09:28:00.002+02:00

Shortly after the world was created evil stood against mankind. The result of this clash shaped the face of the world. We lost. The earth was given to the enemy. Death, decay and melancholy were born on that horrible day, to name but a few.

To defeat this evil, an unprecedented event needed to occur.

Two thousand years ago, God stepped in to do what we never could. It cost Him a grave price, but He defeated the evil on our behalf. The question is simple… are we going to accept what He did, and be free, or are we going stand guilty in front of this evil, and live like slaves.

light in the dark

2009-12-18T09:43:00.004+02:00

Home is not a place I want to be right now. I don’t even want to call it “home” anymore. What would I do without my friends? Where would I be? They keep me safe and sane. Tonight when I stumble, they will catch me. I’ve been crying all day, but tonight they will vanquish my sorrows and pain. If only for a little while. These nights give me just enough strength to make it through another dark valley. Speaking of which... another one awaits me tomorrow. Thank God for tonight!

____________________

The people we call friends should be a warm intimate family that lean on us when they’re fragile and carry us when we’re weak. When you find friends like that, cherish them greatly.

face to face

2009-12-11T13:31:00.009+02:00

She walks into the room, her body appears lifeless. “I can’t do this anymore.” she whispers as she falls to the ground. He looks at her. He wants to pick her up. He wants to help her. But he doesn’t. “Help me…” she begs him. He fights to keep his tears inside. “I want to help you. I really do. But it won’t.” Her eyes stare up at him like a little puppy that has just been kicked across the room. “Why...” she forces the question through her tears.

“When the General asked if you could do this mission, you agreed with vigor. Because you knew you could do this. But during the past two days, you’ve allowed your fears to break down your strength. Nothing has changed since he asked you to do this. Nothing, except you started to fear the mission. If I helped you, it would give credit to the fears that you have that you are not good enough for this mission. Whether you like it or not, I’m not going to help you. You will do this on your own. Now get over your fears and get out there!”

She just sits there for a while, shaking her head. Finally she gets up, grabs her weapon and walks to the door. She turns around “You’re a dick… but thanx anyway for letting me face my fears.”

____________________

In many situations we are stronger than we think, but we give our problems power over us by manufacturing things to fear as we go along. When we face our fears, our problems lose their power, and we have a better chance to overcome them.

I know

2009-12-04T17:07:00.003+02:00

I can see the pain you try to hide
I see all the things you try to keep inside
I know all about your lonely heart
And how you feel like you’ve failed before your start

I know how worthless and empty you feel
When you search so hard but find nothing real
And I know how many tears you cried
When you felt like no one was one your side

You don’t realize yet, but I promise you this
Without you this world would be amiss
You’re beautiful beyond compare
When you give your all with nothing to spare

You feel that all your agony has no reason
But hold on, it’s almost your season
You’ll blossom and bloom to your heart’s content
You’re becoming the rose your pain has mend

-- God

perfect gift

2009-11-27T11:38:00.006+02:00

When he was 5 years old his mother passed away. Before she did, she handed him a magical little bottle. “Son, listen carefully…” she whispered with a smile. “Whenever you feel weak and the world seems too big for you, open this little bottle and smell the magnificent perfume.” She gave him a final smile, and faded away…

As he grew up he encountered painful challenges. His life was not an easy one. When things got really terrible and he started to break, he would open the little bottle, smell the majestic perfume and be ready to face the world again. He didn’t understand how that little bottle could strengthen him so much. But then again, he didn’t know what was in it…

Before his mother died she told a friend the most horrible thing about the disease that’s killing her is that it is robbing her son of a loving mother. She accepted that she was going to die, she made her peace, but she couldn’t accept that her beautiful son won’t have a mother. The friend she shared this with was fortunately no mere mortal. He placed a hand on her shoulder and pulled a little bottle out of his pocket. “How much do you love your son?” “With my all!” She confessed with powerful certainty. The little bottle started to glow in his hand. “How much do you love your son?” She burst into tears “With everything that I am!” The little bottle seemed to catch fire in her powerful words. The man smiled and handed her the bottle. “Whenever your son smells the sweet aroma of your perfect love for him he will be strengthened to new heights. You won’t be with him, but your love will be.”

____________________

I don’t think we can comprehend how powerful love is, or how powerful it makes us. I can’t think of anything this world can throw at me that I can’t withstand if I have the unconditional love of someone amazing!

support

2009-11-20T11:25:00.001+02:00

He stares deep into her eyes. “Please don’t do this?” She stands up with firm conviction. “I’m sorry, but I have to.” Slowly he stands up as well. He pulls her hand into his. “If this means that much to you then you should go through with it, but you’re not doing it on your own.” She takes a step back. Her eyes are filled with puzzles. “You hate what I’m about to do… Why would you come with me?” A peaceful smile appears on his face: “I do hate what you are about to do, but if this is what you want, then this is what I want for you.” He holds her close. “I know how much this means to you, so I’ll bite my lip and keep my reservations at bay. I will make sure that you get what you want.”

____________________

If we love someone, we have to try and support their decisions even if we don’t agree with them.

dialogue

2009-11-13T12:44:00.005+02:00

Her relationship with her fiancé is sliding and she doesn’t understand why. They are both under more work stress these days but she tries to compensate for it by being super supportive. She always has something nice to say when he gets home. She compliments him regularly and tries to build him up. It hasn’t helped.

His relationship with his fiancé is slipping and he doesn’t understand why. Regularly he would leave work early so that he can prepare a nice dinner before she gets home. He would do loads of chores around the house, even the washing without her having to ask. It hasn’t helped.

They are both giving a lot of themselves, but they are not speaking the same language. Words are important to her, and thus she compliments him often. Deeds are important to him, so he does a lot for her. If she wants to speak his language, she should do something for him. Even if it doesn’t seem like a big thing for her, it’ll mean a lot for him. In the same way, he needs to give her more words of affection.

____________________

There are more languages than just these two. Do you know what language you speak? Do you know what language your loved ones are speaking? Most importantly, can you speak their language?

turning the page

2009-11-06T10:56:00.008+02:00

My days turn like pages in a book.
A tedious book.

I have no choice but to live each day, to read each page.
Nothing happens.

I imagine the book taking me places I’ve never been.
It doesn’t.

I want the story to build up to something amazing.
It never does.

So I wake up to another day...

I turn another page...

.
.
.

How mundane...

____________________

Are you living? Or just going through the motions?

persona

2009-10-30T10:54:00.002+02:00

“Why did you do that?” he stares fiercely at her. She drops her head in shame. “I don’t know.” Slowly he shakes his head in disapproval. “That’s not good enough. I need to know why you did it.”

As she stares at him her shame turns to contempt. “Because I wanted to. Because I felt like it. Who are you to tell me how to act?”He gets up and walks away. Just before he leaves he looks back: “I can’t tell you how to act, I just didn’t think you would do anything like that”

____________________

We create personas in our minds of the people we know. When there’s disconnect between that persona and the actual person, we can hurt the ones we love. When someone acts different to what you expect of them, before you judge them, judge your persona of them. If the persona you created doesn’t reflect their true nature, change your vision of them to fit in with who they are instead of trying to change them to fit into your vision of who you think they are.

don’t fix it

2009-10-23T13:43:00.003+02:00

She closes the door behind her and drops her bag on the floor. Her shoulders tell how defeated she is and her face reveals that she’s been crying. She falls down on her bed. Emptiness fills her chest and fear creeps in. She picks up the phone; she can’t be alone right now. Twenty minutes later her best friend knocks on her door. He walks in and holds her tight. Her pain fades into something she can manage. They sit down and she tells him the story behind her tears.

Quietly he thinks for a while. “I think I can help. I need to go do something.” He smiles then gets up to leave. “Please don’t go, I just don’t want to be alone right now.” Her words aren’t enough to keep him there. He leaves. She sinks her head in her hands as the pain flares up again.

____________________

Despite the boyish profile picture, I am a man… I even have facial hair now :) One of the problems men have is we are problem solvers. I see something that’s broken and I want to fix it. By doing so, I’m not listening to the person, but to the problem. Instead of empathizing, I’m formulating a plan.

When someone fixes their own problem, they gain strength and confidence. We shouldn’t take that away. Most people can solve their own problems; we just need to hold them when they feel they can’t.

halloween party

2009-10-16T13:17:00.003+02:00

She stares across the room at a man who holds all her attention. His eyes meet hers and time slows down to accommodate her rush of emotions. Her beautiful smile draws him in as he makes his way to her. “Hello cat woman” he says with a smile, revealing his fake vampire fangs. She feels very flirtatious tonight “Tell me, do you only suck human blood, or will mine do?” He stands closer and stares into her eyes “I think your blood will be far sweeter than any human.” She frowns, he looks way too serious. Suddenly he thrusts her against the wall and bites her neck viciously. She knocks him away “Damn it Rick, what’s gotten into you?” He looks at the floor with shy eyes “I’m sorry, I guess I got a little carried away”

____________________

Sometimes we behave how we think we should instead of how we want to. Unintentionally we create masks, to fit in or to protect ourselves. If we’re not careful our masks can become us and we lose who we are meant to be.

2sides

2009-10-09T10:54:00.004+02:00

At 2am his phone rings. His heart jumps because he fears the person on the other end will fill his heart with sorrow. “She didn’t make it…” That’s all he needs to hear for him to shatter the phone against the wall. The next few weeks fade into a haze of nightmares and tears.

Today someone was rude to you. Later you are going to hint for an apology. He’ll just say “whatever” and walk on. You should make a mental note of their behavior. This is not someone you want as a friend.

____________________

These stories might not be related, but do we ever give people the benefit of the doubt? Do we try to understand the lives of others before we condemn? Too often I jump the gun and point out how someone inconvenienced me at a time when they desperately need encouragement.

hold on

2009-10-02T12:31:00.003+02:00

His brothers always hated him. So much so that they sold him as a slave. He was broken, but he made sure not to stay that way. Instead of fading away, he worked hard as a slave and his master couldn’t help but notice. He gained more and more respect until the wife of his owner tried to lure him into her bed. Upon his refusal, she accused him of sexual abuse. Without a trail, he was thrown in jail.

He was broken, but he made sure not to stay that way. He worked hard, insistent never to miss a stride. In the harsh conditions of prison, he built a reputation as a man who wouldn’t lie down when the world gave him a beating. Soon the emperor became aware of this unique man, and demanded to see him. As the story goes, he eventually became the second most powerful man of his time!

____________________

We all face difficulties, some more than others. Although we can’t help what happens to us, we can decide how we are going to respond. The question you need to ask yourself when trouble hits: Are you going to be a victim or a conqueror?

thinking makes it so

2009-09-25T11:49:00.001+02:00

Harry takes the seed out of the tiny box and squishes it into the soil. He can’t wait to see what will sprout forth. The lady at the magic store said the plant feeds on emotions. “You don’t need to water it, but you have to feed it with your emotions. Depending on the emotions it receives, it can be majestically beautiful or hideously vile.” During the next four weeks, Harry would come into the room each day and think happy thoughts. He would read jokes, laugh and smile as much as he could. When the loneliness crept in, he would quickly leave the room.

Harry walks into the magic store and places a pot containing a rather unpleasant looking plant on the counter. “What did I do wrong? I fed it each day with all the happy emotions I could muster. Please tell me this is not what the happy side of me looks like.” The lady smiles politely, “Did you plant it in the special soil I gave you?” “Yip, I did exactly as you explained.” “And do you remember what I said about the soil.” Harry looks up into the corners of his eyes, as if trying to remember. “You said something about the soil receiving its nutrients from my thoughts.” “That’s correct, so tell me Harry, what did you think while you were in the presence of the plant?” This is when Harry starts doubting himself a little and no longer the quality of her products. “Well... it’s difficult to keep my mind off the things that bother me. But I made sure to always be in a good mood while with the plant.” She places her hand on his shoulder “Even our most beautiful emotions with negative thoughts can turn ugly.”

____________________

I don’t think we realize how much our emotions feed off our thoughts. If our thoughts are not healthy, we can’t expect our emotions to be.

one of them

2009-09-16T14:33:00.003+02:00

She walks into the cafeteria. Her heart feels numb and cold deep inside her. There are a few open tables, but she can’t face being alone. Not today. Quietly she sits down across two girls. They look at her with questions in their eyes, then get up and leave. Softly she whispers “Please don’t go”. She clenches her teeth and pleads with her tears not to escape her eyes. “Lord, you know how much I need you today, please help me…”

Moments later a guy sits down across her. He eats his food rather casually, then looks up. He smiles. She tries to hide her eyes before they can expose her pain. It’s too late. He already knows. He stretches out a hand and holds her arm. She stares into his kind eyes and he smiles peacefully.

____________________

We all have days when we can’t do it alone. Fortunately this world has extraordinary people who care deeply. I am hoping you are one of them :)

I am here

2009-09-10T17:32:00.006+02:00

Today we're blessed by a beautiful cameo from a great friend of mine. SereneChaos brings us the following:

I am here

I know you feel deserted
and your pain is hard to bare,
that the more you look
the less you see
a loved one who may care.
although your heart is breaking
as you wipe away a tear
remember while you feel this way,
beloved, I am here!

although your very instinct
is to drive me far from you,
though scolding words are what you say
when you know not what to do,
while your heart and soul are screaming
at the thought of being here,
even though you cannot see me,
beloved, I am near.

so break down;
fall apart for now.
scream at me if you will.
I know you cannot understand
the reason for this all.
and when this pain is over
you may feel you’ve all but died,
You’d be surprised to know,
beloved,
I never left your side!

____________________

In our darkest times, when God feels too far away, those are often when He is holding us tightest. Our pain is just too much to feel his gentle, loving touch.

wall

2009-09-04T12:00:00.002+02:00

The world attacked and I couldn’t win.
It stood against me, and all my sin.
I built a wall, I made it strong.
Pushed friends away ‘til all were gone.
Now I’m protected, I have nothing to fear.
The world can’t touch me nor even come near.

I hear someone calling just outside the wall
It sounds inviting, should I answer the call?
“Go away! You are not welcome here!”
I can’t be weak, I won’t live in fear.
A powerful wall is all the world will see,
But on the inside loneliness becomes me.

____________________

The world is not a place where you can afford to be weak. But if you’re not willing to be vulnerable once in a while, no one will be able to get close to you. It can be very safe, but not much of a life. Consider letting people in, even if it makes you vulnerable.

do something

2009-08-28T08:52:00.003+02:00

He resides himself to his own misery and orders a double brandy. “Rough day?” The bartender asks. “You can say that, I pulled a guy out of a burning car.” “Wow! You’re some sort of hero!” The man sinks his head in his hands: “I wish that were true. A few seconds after I pulled him out, someone who had a fire extinguisher in their car put out the fire. The paramedics said the man will be paralysed for life, either because of the accident, or because I pulled him out of the car.” The bartender nods repeatedly, as if at a loss for words. He hands the man his drink. “You should feel very proud of yourself.” The man raises an eyebrow as he sips his brandy. “You were in a very difficult situation today, but you did something about it. What are the odds that someone had an extinguisher so close by? It was much more likely that he would have burnt to death if you didn’t pull him out. Retrospectively, you might not have done the right thing, but in that moment you did nothing wrong.”

____________________

Personally it’s much easier for me to justify doing the wrong thing than doing nothing at all. If there is something in your life that you are procrastinating about, consider the possibility that it might be easier on you to do the wrong thing, than to do nothing at all.

illusion

2009-08-19T18:19:00.007+02:00

She wipes off the tears and steadies her breath. Anxiously she walks into the bathroom. When she looks in the mirror she smiles, trying to pretend she doesn't look so bad. Her voice shakes.

"He was drunk, and had a bad day at the office"

That's no excuse, you shouldn't go back...

"But I want to go back. I'll give him time to cool down, then... I'll go back."

Why...

"There were wonderful days of joy in his arms. I long for those days. I know I won't live them again unless I go back"

_______________

Sometimes we hold on to memories of what was or dreams of what could be. If you were able to look at your friendships and relationships with fresh eyes, would they still mean the same?

blossom

2009-08-12T12:20:00.004+02:00

On a beautiful summer afternoon we come across a majestic rose bush. All its roses are in bloom except for one. Let's take a closer look. As we approach, the scared little rose bud pulls her cocoon even tighter. We need to say something to help. "You look like you could be a beautiful rose, why don't you bloom?" Softly the voice replies "I'm too fragile, this world will hurt me if I open up."

Upon hearing this, the sun decides to try and entice the little rose to bloom. He pushes out his chest and shines extra hard. "Open your arms little rose and feel my warmth!" Again the little voice whispers: "I'm too fragile, this world will hurt me if I open up.” A small cloud swoops in to try and save the day. He shakes his belly and glistering drops of life giving water falls to the ground. "Please open up and drink, you need your strength." Yet again the little voice cries out "I'm too fragile..."

In a week’s time we visit the rose bush again. All the roses are beautiful and proud. All except the little rose bud, lying on the ground.

________________

It’s not easy to open up to a world that can hurt us. We feel safe and secure when we keep everyone at arm’s length. But there are people who give us warmth and life. There are people who help us blossom if we only open up and allow them in.

good enough?

2009-08-03T14:38:00.004+02:00

They grew up together. He’s the really cool jock and she the shy overachiever. Still, he asks her to the prom...

“Why would you ask me? You should go with Kim, she’s popular and beautiful. She’s like you with breasts.”

His warm laugh lights up her heart. “I love your sense of humor!” He looks at her earnestly. “I don’t want to go with Kim, I want to go with you.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying. Everyone will laugh if you go with me. I’m not good enough to stand next to you on such a special night.”

“In my eyes you are.”

“Trust me, your eyes are wrong!”

He nods. “For what it’s worth, I did believe in you. But you’ve convinced me not to.” He walks away from her for the last time.

_________

Often we undervalue ourselves and even argue our negative opinion. In the process we convince someone we’re not good enough. Their acceptance of our flawed premise, reinforces our own negative beliefs. Eventually, we’re not even good enough for ourselves.

However the converse holds true: convince people you are good enough, and eventually you will be!

stand still

2009-07-29T13:16:00.005+02:00

A colourful old lady sits with her grumpy husband in the park. He looks at her with sadness. “I don’t think I’m going to finish my novel… I would be so happy if I could.” She laughs softly. “No hubby, you wouldn’t be happy even if you did finish it.” His frown tells her he isn’t amused. “Woman, why would you say such a thing?” She holds his hand to calm him down. “When we met you said you would be happy if I called you my own. When I called you my own, you said you would be happy if we got married. We did. Then you said you’d be happy if we had children. We had a couple.” She chuckles. “Then you said you’d be happy when our kids left the house. When they did, you said you’d be happy if you wrote a novel.”

He is even less amused now, but since he doesn’t know what to say, he goes with his default defense: “Is there a point to this?” “Why yes dear, there is a point. You’ve achieved so many things that you’ve set out to do. So now you and I can quietly sit here and appreciate our beautiful grandchildren running around in the park.” She raises a stern eyebrow. “At least, I can appreciate them while you think of the next thing you want to achieve, believing you’ll appreciate it when you achieve it, but you never do.

____________

Often we live between moments instead of living in moments. Stand still. Right now, don’t wait to do something “noteworthy”. Enjoy the good in your life, even if just for a little while. Stand still.

hold her

2009-07-22T16:48:00.003+02:00

She stares at the mirror in amusement. It's been a long time since she's seen a smile on her face. After 10 year she's going on a date with her high school sweetheart. Still, she doesn't want to get her hopes up. He was always so self-absorbed and nonchalant, too cool to give a damn.

At the end of the night he grabs her arm and pulls her into him. They get lost in each other’s eyes and share a kiss that threatens to break the laws of gravity. She pulls back. Her body can't handle more. "Who are you? How are you able to do this to me?" His smile weakens her body evermore "10 years ago, you fell in love with a boy." The world and everything around her fades away. She hangs on his lips "I'm not a boy anymore. I can take care of you."

_____________________

As foreign as it might seem, some men do actually grow up, and lots of women as well. Don't judge someone based on who they were, get to know who they are.

are you sure

2009-07-17T10:11:00.003+02:00

“Are you sure?” the devil asks with an innocent smile unbecoming of him. “Yes, I am.” she says and signs the contract. The next few weeks are like a tornado in heaven. She wins the lottery, quits her dead-end job, meets and marries the most amazing man in the world and recovers from her long standing illness. Now she is on honeymoon and finally she believes in heaven!

Suddenly the devil appears next to her:

“I’ve held up my end, now it’s your turn.”
“I thought you only get my soul when I die!”
“The contract did not stipulate when I get your soul...”
he wears a sinister smile with delightful ease
“…and I would like it now.”

Her eyes turn to glass as she fades away. When she opens her eyes she’s lying in her honeymoon bed. She stares at her husband. She feels nothing for him. Her soul is gone. She feels nothing at all. Everything she gained has no value to her now. Everything she traded for her soul means nothing without it.

____________________

You can search throughout the world, but you will never find anything more valuable than what is already inside you. Be sure to give it the love and respect it deserves.

rain

2009-07-09T19:33:00.005+02:00

He sits in the middle of the road as the rain comes pouring down. In his arms he holds everything that is dear to him. His reason for living weakens as she fades away. Their voices blend together one last time

"I love you..."

The heart that kept him alive so long stops beating inside her chest. He kisses her for the last time. Painful tears melt his face into hers. With all his strength and love he holds her tight, praying her soul won’t escape her body.

In that moment he could almost love her back to life.

________________

We gain a profound understanding of what we hold dear once we lose it.

look down

2009-07-03T07:47:00.009+02:00

Hidden from the world a man spends his days in a lonely astronomy station. Night after night he pierces the sky searching for life. Once a lunar month he ventures far out into the living world to get supplies. As he walks through the store he allows agitation and anger to flow into his soul. He craves to be back at his station. Just then a little boy stumbles and drops his soda at the man’s feet. Furiously the man scolds the little child for spilling on his shoes and walks away.

Before he leaves town he enjoys a warm cup of coffee. As he takes a sip he spots the little boy. After a lengthy discussion with his father the little boy makes his way over to the man. His head is bowed in shame as he apologizes. “It’s okay; my shoes aren’t that dirty.” “Thank you sir.” The little boy looks up. “My daddy said you’re searching for life in the stars.” He has a smug smile on his face “Why yes, yes I am.” With that the little boy asks “Now that you’ve met me, does it mean you are going to stop searching?” The boy gleams with the delight of a pure soul, stretches his hands to his sides and stares at the sky “I am alive!”

The man chuckles at the boy’s foolishness. “No, I’m not going to stop searching; I’m looking for life that’s not on this earth.”
____________________

To get from that story to my point is a bit of a stretch, but here it is... If you can’t find life or love in yourself you won’t find it anywhere else.

heaven

2009-06-26T14:50:00.006+02:00

I saw dark clouds part before my sight.

I stood in awe as heaven took form to my delight.

Unspoiled beauty as far as I could see

Blessed my heart for all eternity

I saw laughing children running around

I saw happy people lying on the ground.

I saw tender light that will never fade

And a majestic lion sleeping in the shade

I saw flowers as tall as trees,

I saw beautiful angels, bowing to their knees.

I saw mountains that never stopped

And I saw Jesus sitting on a rock.

I saw all this to my surprise...

The moment I looked into your eyes.

____________________

If there is such a thing as heaven on earth, it’s surely hidden is someone’s eyes.

tremble if you must

2009-06-19T07:48:00.005+02:00

He looks at her with a peaceful smile “I can’t do it”. Fear grips her eyes, “If you don’t do it, I will surely fall.” Gently he cups her cheek with his palm “It’s not that I don’t want to do it, it’s that I can’t. I’m not that strong.” His lovely smile fades into seriousness with these words: “You are the only one who can do this.” Worlds collide inside her mind as she tries to defeat his words. All in vain. His eyes won’t allow her to back down. She stands up. Her hands are shaking with fear and a few drops of doubt. He grabs her hand “Do it trembling if you must, but do it!” She turns around and forces her legs to walk through the gate. As she disappears into the fog he whispers to her lingering scent "Are you really that strong?"

____________________

Strength is not when you face a difficult situations with ease.

Strength is when you keep walking while you're trembling.

Soulbliss

2009-06-12T08:03:00.007+02:00

An old man lies on his death bed with a mountain of regrets beside him. He calls for you and leaves you with a single dagger as your inheritance. It’s a replica of the most powerful item in the world, or so the old man believes. You take it with honour and start your lifelong journey to obtain the original.

The dagger’s name is Soulbliss. As the myth goes, the wielder of the dagger will inherit eternal joy. The old man sacrificed his life to find the magical item. Now you will take the baton, and do what he couldn’t.

Years pass filled with misery and little luck. Every stone you upturn speaks of promise but only leaves disappointment. Your next lead is a man in China who claims to have seen the mysterious dagger with his own eye. Upon arrival the Chinese man produces an old photograph of Soulbliss in the hands of a great man. From the photo it appears the dagger gave its owner everything and just a little more for good measure. He agrees to trade you the whereabouts of the man in the photo for your replica. Although it’s just a replica, it has become your most treasured possession. With great sorrow you hand it over, even more determined now to find Soulbliss.

It’s a four day hike up the snowy mountains. You don’t understand why, but somehow you know in four days your search for Soulbliss will finally come to an end. You reach the cabin and knock on the door. An old ragged man opens the door. It takes you a while to recognize him, but it’s definitely the man from the photo. That is when your dreams shatter. He tells you that 25 years ago his beautiful wife died. Yet he was unable to shed a single tear for her. He was happy, and he couldn’t stand it. In order for him to mourn his wife, he threw Soulbliss into a furnace. As he watched it melt, he felt his sadness return to him. You stand in the cold snow… the reality fails to set in… Soulbliss was destroyed 25 years go…

_________

Sometimes we waste so much time and effort to find something that doesn’t even exist. And sometimes, we lose what is actually valuable to us along the way.

It takes a strong soul to celebrate what is, and not what might be.

doubt

2009-06-05T17:33:00.001+02:00

Believing in you came naturally.
Everything urged me to judge you favorably.
You seemed too good to be true.
Maybe that should have been a clue...

I surrendered my soul.
You became my all.
You made me strong.
Or am I wrong...

I believed in you.
Now what should I do?
As I dry my eyes,
I realize I created these lies...

It was easy to believe in you,
That’s all I really wanted to do.
Now to avoid my own demise,
I need to doubt my own lies...

__________

Sometimes it’s easier to believe in someone or something than to accept that you really shouldn't.

beauty in the shadow

2009-06-01T08:49:00.005+02:00

You had good intentions, but the world didn’t. Your little seed was cast aside and fell on barren land. Miraculously you sprung roots. Hidden away in the shadow the warm rays of the sun seldom reach you. In barren land surrounded by sand and stone... you blossom.

You are rooted in a place no one would wish for. Take heart, any other flower would not have survived. You are the only you. No one can live like you live, love like you love, and blossom like you blossom. But now there’s a storm coming and you can’t move. Please don’t wither away... bloom.

Furious winds are tugging and tearing at you. Your roots are being torn from the soil. I think you’re fading. I want to uproot you and give you a home. But I won’t. You’re a flower that only blooms in the shadow. This storm will not break you. You will not wither away... you’ll flower.

a challenge...

2009-05-25T10:09:00.005+02:00

You really should be more careful! Later today you’re going to fall down the stair. Your injuries won’t be that severe but you will spend the next two days in hospital. That’s where you’ll meet him. Next week this time he’ll be dead. But before he goes, he’ll wake something in you.

You don’t understand how someone who is half past dead could have more life in his eyes than you’ve ever had. His voice lingers in the air with strength and joy long after he’s spoken them. Then there’s the thing with his mother. She loves him dearly... but when she left his bedside... she kissed his forehead and said “I’m so glad this happened to you”.

Fortunately he will shed some light on your dark understanding of the situation: “I didn’t realize how messed up my life was until 3 months ago when they told that me I was going to die. At that stage my life felt broken and meaningless. The dark side of my mind told me it’s a good thing that I’m going to die because I’m just a nuisance to my friends and family. Fortunately I was strong enough to reject that thought. So I promised myself that no matter what it takes, I will die with a smile on my face. The last 3 months have been hectic, but I made it. My friends and family are overjoyed that I’m leaving the world like this and not in my former condition. In the end, I wasn’t a nuisance, but a blessing to them.”

He looks at you with a hint of sadness, but he tries to hide it. “I wish someone told me long ago that I could change my entire existence, and become someone people and even myself actually love in just 3 months.” Then he gives you a smile that looks completely out of place on a terminal patient. “Then I suppose it is now my duty to tell you what you can accomplish in the next 3 month...”

____________

Changing your entire existence in 3 months might be a bit much... but you can change more then you realize! If you're up for a challenge... Pick an aspect of your life that you’re not too happy about and promise yourself that in 3 months' time, that aspect would have improved drastically. Maybe improve your health, fix an estranged relationship, enjoy your work more or develop a deeper relationship with God. Whatever you want, pick something and promise yourself that no matter what it takes, you will drastically improve that aspect. You don't realize how strong you are, you can do this!

PS: If you actually fall down the stairs later today then I apologise.

run!

2009-05-19T07:26:00.005+02:00

It is 2AM; most people are running around in their dreams. But in the real world, there’s a man running down the street. Pain floods his body. His bare feet are bleeding from the tar. He doesn’t stop. Following not too far behind him are dark figures with malicious intent. He looks behind him... “How did they find me?” Tears blur his vision. “I was so careful. I fought so hard to make sure they never found me again. I thought I was strong enough this time.” He stares up at the stars with broken eyes... “This will not end well for me...”

He glances over his shoulder. “Who is chasing me tonight?” Depression is there, Loneliness is not too far behind him. Grief and his brother Sorrow are both wearing those sinister smiles that say they are going to enjoy this. “This is bad! Hate isn’t chasing me. Out of all of them, he is the only one who lends me his strength. If Hate was here I could at least fight. This will not end well for me...”

Hopelessness –who’s still a small child, at least for now - catches up with him and jumps on his back. After a brief conversation the man stops “You’re right, it doesn’t help if I run” He turns around and waits for the rest to catch up with him. “They are going to hurt me tonight, but who cares anyway.” Only then does he spot him. The Monster breaks through the darkness. With blood stained teeth and sadistic red eyes he growls with anger. The man's eyes shoot open and his heart stops for just a little while. “No... not him... not him... anyone but him” He’s never given him a name. “If I give the Monster a name, I give him power. He has too much as it is. This will not end well for me...”

“Run!” His heart jumps back to life. He rips Hopelessness from his shoulder and bolts down the street. “The monster can’t catch me. I won’t survive him, not again.” He starts to cry, his pathetic screams light up the night. His crying has revitalized Depression who is now running twice as fast as he is. Depression leaps through the air and tackles him off his feet. He falls to the ground, scraping his face open. Each time Depression catches him it’s painful, but tonight... it’s unbearable. Painfully he stands up. Depression is still firmly holding him. He stares down the dark street. The evil red eyes approach. “The monster is here! This will not end well for me...”

He tries to run away, but Depression won’t let go. As he stumbles over Depression, the others arrive. Usually he just has to fight off one or two. But tonight, they are working as a wicked team. Depression and Loneliness pin his arms to the ground. Grief and Sorrow pin his legs. It’s over. The monster kneels beside him. With eyes filled with sadistic pleasure he whispers “I will let you experience pain brutal enough to destroy your soul. I will show you how to poison your emotions and how to use your thoughts as means of torture. I will teach you how to suffer. This will not end well for you...”

The monster sinks his nails into the man’s skull and rips out an image. “I see you have terribly painful thoughts. Let me show you how to use them...” The monster folds the image so that it forms a sharp blade. He smiles with horrific intent then stabs the man. Again and again the monster stabs the man, 30, 40, 50 times. The man screams with unbearable pain as the monster burst out in sinister laughter. “You have so much pain hidden in your thoughts. You have images that haunt you unbearably... this is going to be fun!”

As the monster and his companions laugh with delight, the man rips his arms lose and kick his legs free. He shoots up and races away. They follow quickly, desperate to torture him some more. Carefully he places the painful image the monster used in the back of his mind. His body is littered with stab wounds. His muscles should have stopped working hours ago. Every breath he breathes suffocates him just a little more. The skin underneath his feet is completely torn; he’s running on flesh and bone. Still, it’s better than the alternative. Standing still.

_____________

Life can get a bit much, so we hide our pain under our busy lives. We run around, because when we stand still, our demons catch up with us. They use our own thoughts to torture us so terribly. How do you remove painful images from your mind and take their power away? How do you stop running away from yourself?

I’d love to find the answer to that, but my demons are knocking at the door... I have to run!

Who will be strong for me?

2009-05-15T06:39:00.006+02:00

My soul feels like it is out of breath. I struggle to find meaningful words to share with you and even with myself.

My savior for today comes in the form of one of my followers. Serene Chaos brings us this beautiful cameo post:

She was sitting up in bed, her knees pulled up under her chin. The morning sun was playfully bouncing off objects in the guest bedroom of her friend’s house. It was a beautiful morning – but the beauty was lost to her. She sighed like an old woman.

She allowed the past few days to replay in her mind, like her own private movie screening - the result was anything but a standing ovation! She felt a physical pain in her chest as she swallowed back what might have been tears, but there were none left. She felt so lost. Where to go from here? Everything she knew and trusted was stripped from her in an instant.

She was so tired! It was a fatigue that stretched further than mere flesh and bone, but reached into the innermost corners of her soul to leave its mark: a feeling so heavy that opening her eyes was a burden. She realised that she couldn’t pretend to be okay this time. The pain was too much! She sighed: “I can’t do this anymore. Who will be strong for me?”

A knock at the door made her look up. “Yes?” The next moment her friend was standing in the doorway with a cup of steaming hot coffee. Her friendly smile did not hide the concern that was etched on her face, but for an instant, the burden seemed to lift. “Thank you…” Her friend smiled again. “Take all the time you need, and whenever you’re ready, I’ll be right outside that door if you need to talk.”

______________________

Sometimes we feel so much pain that we fail to see the ones knocking at our hearts. If we allow them to help, they can make the burden easier to carry.

me again

2009-05-11T09:23:00.004+02:00

Consume my soul for a little while. Break my heart just a little more. Remove the breath from my lungs and banish the smile from my lips... I beg you.

Someday I’ll try to be strong. Not today. Today is a day to indulge you... my sin. I won’t fight you this time. I’ll give up so you can take over. Do with me as you please, and I’ll smile for you. When the whole world goes to hell, I’ll smile for you. When I choke on the dust while I’m broken on the ground. When you fill my soul with pain and my thoughts with hatred. When you push everyone out of my life and leave me with no one... I'll still smile for you.

You crave to tear my life apart... you want me to die. But I won’t die for you! Stare into my eyes if you dare... and I’ll smile for you.

believe in me

2009-05-05T06:36:00.003+02:00

She hangs on the side of the cliff, out of breath and discouraged. She had to fight hard to get this high, but she’s not even half way. Staring at the man hanging next to her, she gives up. “I can’t go any further, let’s go down.” He smiles at her, in the way he always does. “If I thought you couldn’t go on, I would let you go down. But I know you can do this, I believe in all of you!”

She doesn't believe.

With lots of sweat and some hidden tears she makes it close to the top. Then she falls. She wants to scream, but her body is too weak. Hanging in mid air she looks up at him. He’s smiling again. “You didn’t think I’d let you fall?” She’s angry at him, she wants to give up but he won’t let her. “Let me go!” she cries. “I’d let you go when I stop believing in you…” He grins, “…don’t hold your breath.” Why does he still believe in her? Is he blind to the obvious… or can he see something the world refuses to acknowledge about her? He pulls her up “You’re not done yet, this mountain is not bigger that you!”

__________

When someone believes in all of you, no mountain will stop you!

walk away

2009-04-29T11:44:00.003+02:00

You sit in a nice restaurant, enjoying lunch. A few tables from you is a man, alone… broken. You try not to stare too blatantly at him. Every now and then you steal a peek. You wonder what’s breaking him so terribly. You wonder if you might be able to help. You don’t want to intrude, but it really seems he needs someone. You finish your lunch and leave the restaurant. You decided he probably wanted to be alone.

In another story, you play in the cold snow with your friends. You see a woman walk across a frozen river. Without warning she disappears beneath the ice. You rush to the river and witness something you won’t ever forget. Underneath the ice you see a woman struggling as her life is slipping away. Sadly the current has pulled her away from the hole she fell through. You run down stream and start bashing your fists against the ice. Remarkable, you punch a hole through the ice. You reach into the icy waters. Your eyes are shooting all over the place frantically trying to find her. Just before she passes you by, you notice her and grab at her… In that moment you realize this is her last chance of surviving. You realize that if you miss, she is dead. You are the only one in the world who can save her now. In this fleeting second an entire world can be created… or destroyed.

___________________

The situations in these stories are very similar. However in the one, we decide to run and help. The other, we walk away. It’s so much easier to just walk away. When we’re not confronted by the urgency of the situation, we excuse ourselves for walking away. Next time you see a stranger in pain; try pretending the urgency is dire. Will you walk away?

before you go

2009-04-24T10:12:00.003+02:00

Something died inside you last night. While you were sleeping, the darkness devoured you. Every step you’ve taken for the last few years has been more difficult than the one before. But now, this morning… it is too much. It’s not that you don’t want to go on, it’s that you can’t go on. You won’t go on. It’s over. Before you die, you’ll to go to a priest.

Even monsters see a priest before they are put down.

The priest isn’t what you expected; he’s young, happy and full of life… You hate him! It’s like his beautiful smile taunts your broken soul. The contrast between his delightful heart and your sinister spirit is painfully pathetic! To make things worse, he said exactly what you wanted to hear, but never expected from him “You are neither here nor there. There is no place for you to rest your head. You have nothing to live for.” You stare at him with blank eyes. He smiles. “I will die for my God, and hence, I have something to live for. What are you living for?”

_____________

Do yourself a favor, answer that question honestly.

What are you living for?

save me

2009-04-21T06:20:00.006+02:00

Gather around boys and girls, for today we have a guest appearance on my blog. LazyKing from Bored... Get unbored brings us the following...

This is the story about a young man named Eric...

Everything in Eric's life was going really well. His character spoke of power and grace. He did well to hide his flaws, and made friends wherever his feet led him. He is the type of guy you want to have as a brother… a friend… a lover.

One day after work, Eric took stock of his life. He noticed something was slowly changing; he was starting to lose his "magic". Life wasn't treating him as well as before. His friends joked about it and called it "bad luck". Still Eric didn't stop being optimistic and kept smiling. Unfortunately that "bad luck" continued. In a few years time, it turned into something worse. All aspects of his life seemed to turn to ruins. He lost his confidence, self-esteem and values. Everything that he worked so hard for was wiped out. His attempts to make things better failed miserably each time. Meanwhile, he became used to his "bad luck". He’s not even surprised anymore when something bad happens to him.

Eric's family has grown very concerned about him. He tries to hide the truth and tell them that he’s ok, but they see through it. He’s thought about giving up but that will hurt everyone that loves him. So Eric finally decided to go to a psychologist. He shares his life story while lying on the comfy couch. He believes he can be fine again, he just needs to hear the right words to help him believe in himself and in the future. He believes there is a magical combination of words that will throw a switch deep inside his soul… and turn him on again. Looking for answers he stares into the shrink's eyes… “What are those words?”

___________

If you were the psychologist what would you say to Eric?

i will suffer you

2009-04-17T09:00:00.005+02:00

Today’s story is about a man who can see into the future. The passing of time holds no surprises for him. So when his fiancé walked out on him, you were very surprised. “Did you not see the future? Didn’t you know she was going to leave you when you met her?” With a decent amount of pain in his eyes, he assures you “Before I met her I knew this day would come. When I was young I looked deep into my future. I played out all the possibilities in my mind. When I was done, my heart drowned in sorrow. I realized I could never love a woman the way I wanted to. Before I met my ex-fiancé I saw she was going to leave me. Then maybe out of sheer boredom I looked deeper into my future. I looked at what would happen after she left me. Then I comprehended something amazing… after she left me I would be able to meet a woman I could love the way I wanted to. I realized I needed to suffer the bad, so I could truly cherish the good.”

________________________

The bad relationships we suffer make the good ones all the more worthwhile!

try harder

2009-04-12T14:40:00.003+02:00

You really enjoyed being a grief counselor last week, so today you’re a psychiatrist. Luke and Paul are two very unique individuals. Luke has been diagnosed with chronic depression, whereas Paul suffers from chronic depression. Yes it’s the same thing, but Luke refuses to suffer from this.

Paul walks into your office and lies down on your stereotypical shrink couch. He explains to you in meticulous detail how low his serotonin levels are. He needs you to understand how depressed he is. He expresses his “dark thoughts” and how easy it is for him to give in. When he takes some time to breathe, you interject with some positive thoughts. Immediately you are shot down “Doc, you don’t understand how difficult it is to be me. All I want to do is go lie in a ditch somewhere and stop breathing.” When the session is finally over you almost want to go join Paul in that ditch of his.

The next day you page through Luke’s medical report. You shudder when you notice that his serotonin levels are even worse than Paul’s… you’re not very optimistic about today. Luke walks in, gives you a courteous greeting and lies down. During the next 40 minutes Luke will challenge your perception of human strength. He will tell you how painfully he breaks, but he won’t stop talking until he tells you how he gets up afterwards. He will describe the darkness and how it swallows him whole. Then he’ll tell you how he fights with tears streaming down his face. He will not go quietly into that dark night! You detect a hint of pride each time he talks about overcoming his darkness. He smiles “If my condition has taught me one thing, it’s that I have to work so much harder just to smile. But what I taught myself is… I can smile… and if I try really, really hard, I can laugh!”

________________

We all have weaknesses; do you use yours as an excuse to do badly, or motivation to try harder?

break me

2009-04-08T06:50:00.004+02:00

Today you’re a grief counselor. Matt is coming in later today, he lost his mother 3 weeks ago. Out there in the real world he’s a rock on which his family rests. But in here, he breaks. In two hours Matt will walk into your office with all the strength anyone could ever ask for. He’s going sit down and say these words: “I don’t want to talk today, I just want to cry for a while” Don’t do anything, just sit there and watch the man become a boy. Thirty minutes after, he will get up and smile at you. I hope you’re ready for today; because you’re not going to believe how powerful Matt is when he leaves your office!

_______________

We all need to break now and then. Find a safe place, and don’t hold back!

feed me

2009-04-04T17:25:00.004+02:00

In today’s story you’ll play the role of a drug addict. I’m sorry it has to come to this but I’m running out of ideas so please go with it... Thanx.

It’s Friday morning. Work seems to suffocate you, but you don’t mind all that much. Tonight, the whole world and everything in it will fade away. Tonight all your problems and fears will slide off the canvas that is reality. That is the only thought that keeps you sane. That is the only truth that you care to believe.

The needle glides with pleasure into your vein. The little syringe is filled with promises of a painless world. As you press down, you smile. This is life! This is all you will ever need. The whole world can go to hell as long as you can inject meaning directly into your soul. That is what you’re doing now, isn’t it?

It’s Monday morning and you feel a little worse than last Monday. Each week seems to bring with it new levels of despair. Each time you awake from your slumber, the world seems a little worse off than before. You struggle valiantly through the week, but Thursday night, you finally fall prey to your hunger. You close your eyes and drown in your heaven. This is the reason you were born. Your entire life was only to get you to this point. You say a quick prayer and thank God for tonight…

It’s Monday again… Why are you still alive? Why is your body so damn resilient? You weren’t supposed to wake up. You get up and get dressed. You pretend you’re ready for life, but you’re not. You're completely empty. You sit on your bed and rest your head in your hands. Tears slowly roll down your arms. It’s not enough anymore. The highs can’t sustain you anymore. You feel like a starving kid in Africa who barely eats once a week. You grab an old syringe, fill it with air and inject yourself. Either the hunger kills you, or you do. As your body starts to convulse, you realize your soul is as empty as the syringe. You thought you were filling it, instead… your habit kept you occupied while your soul slowly drained away.

________

We all attempt to fill our souls with meaning. The question is… are you still hungry when morning comes? Are you really filling your soul with meaning, or are you just occupying yourself, so that you don’t notice how empty your soul really is?

your worth

2009-03-31T14:26:00.003+02:00

Today you will risk your life to find out who you really are. Hidden dangerously deep in a magical forest lies the answer to the question that’s haunting you: how much are you worth?

For the last 4 months you’ve been preparing for this journey. It’s not enough time, but you can’t wait anymore. You desperately need to know if what lies inside your soul is sacred, or sickening.

With great trouble you force your way through the thick forest. Every now and then a shimmering fairy shoots past you… warning you of the trouble ahead. You press on.

You push some branches out of the way. A black panther greets you with a roar. Your heart thumps against your chest. His eyes are filled with fear… He pleads with you to turn around. Still you press on.

You found it! Inside the cave is the answer you seek. But outside, evil lingers. Waiting for you to come just a little closer and give up your right to be alive. Nevertheless… you press on.

Pain shoots through your body in a clean and eloquent wave. Your body falls effortlessly to the ground. Mercifully, the 4 months preparation affords you the opportunity to get up again. In agony… you press on.

You hear a crackling sound like a tree bending too far. Your legs burst forth in pain, as they shatter from the inside. Slowly you crawl into the cave, you can barely move but you press on.

Out of the darkness an outstretched hand appears. You reach out; the moment you touch you’re invigorated with energy and love. You have no idea who this hand belongs to, but you can't help falling deeper in love every passing second. You feel safe, secure, special, happy, blessed, and most of all... you feel loved.

As you eyes adjust to the dark, a face emerges… it can’t be… it’s you! Suddenly it all makes sense. Your value is not found in you, but in the people who love you. This magical place shows you what you are worth, by showing you how you look through the eyes of your loved ones. You stare at yourself. You feel what they feel… Finally you know how sacred your soul really is!

___________

Think about it for a while... who would you see if you walked in there?

diamonds

2009-03-26T10:18:00.008+02:00

You’re going to lose your house; you can’t afford it anymore. How are you going to tell your kids? A friend calls with urgency in his voice, asking you to meet up with him. He looks a bit worried when you get there. He tells you about an immediate job that’ll sort out all your financial problems. After just two short weeks, everything can be sorted. The problem is, half of the people who accept this job, will be dead in two weeks. You don’t like gambling with your life, but how do you tell your kids they don’t have a home anymore. Then again, how does someone tell them they don’t have you anymore?

The job requires robots to go deep into an unsafe mine. The problem is a robot costs 2 million Dollars, and they lose a lot of them due to the unstable conditions. It’s highly illegal to send people down there, but it’s much cheaper. That’s where you come in. The company has a two week gap where no one will inspect their operations. In those two weeks they send as many desperate people down there as they can find. This time around you’ll be one of them… You take the job.

The two weeks that follow breaks you in ways you didn’t know you could break. Besides the close calls you suffer, you witness as the lives of three people are ripped from this world. The last three days are the worst. You are responsible for bringing up the bodies of the fallen. You have to clean up the evidence that humans were ever down there. Your soul has never been torn to shreds like this. Dying seems like a beautiful release right now. Your heart doesn’t want to beat anymore. It’s pleading with you to take your last breath. You can’t imagine suffering more than this! But it’s worth it. That’s what you tell yourself. You have to believe that this is worth it.

You walk out of the mine for the last time. You want to smile, but you’re completely empty. You collapse in the locker room with the seven others that survived. Your supervisor hands each one of you a bag with your spoils. It’s not worth it! You didn’t really allow hell into your heart for a little bag of money, did you? It’s over now, but it was never worth it! One of the guys you worked with sits down next to you. He hands you his bag. “You need this more than I do”. Your eyes shoot open, WTF! “How can you suffer hell and then give me your money?”He shrugs, “I run a very successful company, I don’t need the money.”

You stare at him, you can’t find the words. The shock of his words seems to nudge your heart back to life. “WTF is wrong with you? Why are you here?” He stands up with pride and power (where the hell did he find that???) “I have all the physical stuff I want, but one morning I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. Pressure creates diamonds. Each time I walk away from something like this, I’m stronger, more beautiful, becoming more like a stunning diamond. Each time I suffer this, I love myself more.”

_________________

You can’t go through this life without suffering now and then. The questions is, do your troubles break you, or strengthen you? You might not realize this, but that decision is yours to make.

every day

2009-03-23T07:56:00.003+02:00

You smile a lot. But you rarely mean it. You pretend that you’re living. But you’re barely surviving. Each morning you search the depths of your soul desperately seeking a tiny drop of strength to make it through the day. You can’t go on like this. Every day, there’s a little less in your soul. Every day it’s harder to find a reason to get up. You’re on your last few breaths…

A week ago a friend emailed you and asked for your help. His parents are going away, and he needs to take care of his mentally handicapped brother. You don’t know why, but you said you’ll help him today. You can’t think anymore, you can’t make a decision anymore. You just say yes when you think someone expects you to say yes. You’re a meaningless piece of scrap paper being tossed around in a blizzard. You’re not in control of your life anymore.

You get to your friend's place; he’s happy to see you and introduces you to his brother. The rest of the day is a bit different that you expected. His brother is a delightful kid. When he laughs you can hear that nothing in this world bothers him. He doesn’t lie in bed at night and tortures himself. He has someone who takes care of him… he has someone that loves him exceedingly. What more can he possibly ask for?

You stare at your friend as he plays with his brother: “You seem to take such great care of your bother. Did you really need my help today” He looks up, “No, I didn’t need your help.” “Then why did you ask me to come help you?” He smiles at you with loving eyes:

“Because you needed my help.”

________________________

We are our own best teachers. If you need help, give all the help you have.

For some reason we don’t always value ourselves enough. The greatest strength we have is seldom for ourselves. So if you’re feeling weak today, go be strong for someone else.

crying angel

2009-03-18T02:13:00.001+02:00

A young boy runs with reckless abandonment through the rain. His smile shines with light the dark clouds can’t hide. He is free, and he knows it.

A beautiful woman wanders through the pouring rain. From the outside you’ll be forgiven to think there is peace in her heart. The rain hides her tears. The thunder mimics her pain. She is breaking with every step she takes. Every breath weakens her tormented soul evermore. Her body lingers in the wind like an old tree that died years ago.

A few precious moments later, the little boy runs back to his mother. His knees are covered in blood… but he can’t stop smiling. Before his mother can say anything, he bursts out “Mommy, mommy I saw an angel!”

“She was so beautiful. I ran too fast and fell down. But she helped me up and her smile took away all my pain. I wasn’t even afraid when I saw the blood. She gave me a hug and it felt like the sun was shining on me. Then she said that God will always send an angel to pick me up when I fall.” With wide eyes the boy stares at his mother “Mommy, what do I need to do to be an angel like her?”

_________________

You may feel you are terribly weak, and perhaps you are. But believe me when I say you can still mean the world to someone. You can still change the course of someone’s life forever! You don’t have to get up from the ground to make a difference… to mean something. Believe me… your life means something amazing!

don’t look at me

2009-03-16T07:42:00.002+02:00

You think you understand, but you have no idea. You think you know me, but you never can. The pain I bleed won’t stain your hands. If you see a dim flickering light shining out of me, just look away, you’re not supposed to see. But take heart... it will fade eventually.

Please don’t look at me.

With black tar of despair and bricks of pain, I build a wall to cover my shame. The light that was, will be no more… all in the hope of surviving the world once more. My strength, my pride and yes my pain will never again see the light of day. What I was and what I should be will be locked away for all eternity.

Just don’t look at me.

I gather all my misery and wrap it round the wall. Broken glass and razor wire covers the wall now destroying my soul. If you try to help you’ll surely fall. Don’t come closer, I’m not well, I’ll rip you apart… I’ll give you hell! Can’t you see it’s too late for me? Now go away and let me be...

And don't you dare look at me!

all of me

2009-03-05T10:48:00.001+02:00

It’s 4:30am, my alarm beeps, but I don't mind. I’m not sleeping anyway. I wash my face and stare in the mirror. It’s back!

The darkness decided to visit me again this morning. It probably came for me while I was sleeping. That explains the nightmares and why my body was covered in sweat. I thought I was strong enough, I thought I could resist it. The truth is, that’s just a lie I tell myself. I like it when the darkness comes. I love it!

Through the mirror I stare into eyes of pain, and I smile. Not out of pleasure, but acknowledgment: “I see you!” I swear I can see it smile back. The darkness has grown rather fond of me. It’s because I give it my all. It devours me with delight. It sucks life out of me like some sadistic vampire feeding on the flesh of a worthy sacrifice. I tilt my head and expose my neck to the darkness. It’s yours. Enjoy.

If I had family or friends, it would devour them through me... or would I devour them... using it? But I don’t, I don’t need friends or family. I have the darkness, and today, it has me. All of me.

Companion

2009-03-03T10:34:00.000+02:00

Tonight will be the best night of your life. Unfortunately.

It started when you were 7. You saw scratches on your knees that weren’t there. The next day you fell off your bike and obtained those very scratches. Not too long after that you were watching TV, nothing exciting was on. You started weeping with painful tears. Three days later your dog was run over by a car. When your dad told you the news, you wept those same painful tears.

As time passed you came to understand this ability as a companion. Someone who peeks into your future and allows you to see or feel what awaits you. You’ve grown rather fond of your special companion. Your beautiful blessing! Seven years ago, you learned about tonight. Since then you’ve been eagerly awaiting the best night of your life!

The next morning you wake with a smile… it was better than you thought it could ever be. You can’t wipe the silly grin off your face. Just give it time, it’ll sink in soon. Then your companion shows you what awaits you now... Never again. You’ll never again in your life experience anything like last night. Nothing will even come close. For the past 7 years you didn’t enjoy your life. You’d lived for a day in your future. Now... your life will be miserable, you’ll always think back to the best night of your life. Your companion turned out to be your curse. Your entire life could have been amazing… instead everything that you’ve lived for, was crammed into one day.

_______________

Are you living for the future... are you stuck in the past? Did you create a companion for yourself that's stealing your life?

Little by little

2009-02-26T07:52:00.000+02:00

“Please don’t do this!” She begs him, but he doesn’t listen. He never does. His fist smashes into her cheek. Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? She stays on the ground. If she gets up, he’ll just put her down again. She swallows a mouthful of blood. As he walks away she whispers “Louis… how did you turn into this monster?” He stops cold. He heard her whispers. She’s going to regret she said that. He turns around with evil in his eyes and walks over to her body…

*********

In another time and place, an alarms beeps at the crack of dawn. A little boy quickly stops the alarm. He doesn’t want to wake his parents. It’s Mother’s Day and he’s going to attempt to give his parents breakfast in bed. He smiles as he shuffles to the kitchen. He can already see his mother’s smile when he walks in there with a tray filled with goodies. Softly he taps an egg against the side of the pan. His mother does it so easily, but it doesn’t want to break when he does it. He taps a bit harder and the egg starts to crack. He forces his thumbs into the crack and pries it open spilling some on the stove. The next three eggs go a bit easier, but he still has to fish out the bits of egg shell from the pan.

He places some bread in the toaster and turns on the kettle. It’s going better than he expected. He adds some coffee, milk and lots of sugar into two cups. With his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth, he picks up the kettle and carefully pours boiling water into the cups. When everything is ready he picks up the tray and walks carefully to his parents’ bedroom. When he pushes the door open his mother greets him with a smile. It’s more beautiful than he pictured it. He walks over with his little chest sticking out and hands her the tray. She smiles, gives him a kiss and whispers “I love you, Louis…”

___________

How did the boy become the man… the monster? Little by little… without him realizing it. We don’t understand the impact our thoughts, actions and words have on us over the years. Little by little we accumulate pieces of who we are. I believe there’s a (potential) monster in each of us screaming to take over. When you shun someone, you might pick up a piece of you. A piece you don’t want.

I believe we all have a (potential) angel inside us. You might see someone who’s a bit down. You don’t know them that well and don’t really want to go talk to them. Do it anyway! It might seem insignificant; but it makes up who you are. It’s a small step on a journey that’ll blow you away.

Make sure you love who you are. Pick up all the right pieces!

Keep knocking

2009-02-21T13:49:00.000+02:00

A little boy sits beside his mother’s bed. He holds her hand as she fades away. She gathers the last bit of her strength. “My baby, no matter what happens to you, always remember how special you are.” Slowly she lets go of his hand. She’s gone. The boy’s life fades to darkness...

***

His mother had arranged for him to live with a distant uncle. He’d never met this uncle, but no one else wanted him. In fact, his mother had to plead with the man to take him in. Reluctantly he agreed. Although the boy was only 7 years old, he understood how unwanted he was when he walked into his new home. Sadly, this would never be a home for the boy. As the weeks passed on, the uncle’s contempt for the boy grew stronger. He didn’t hide his feelings. The boy felt guilty each time they had supper. He felt like he was stealing from his uncle. He ate as little as he could, trying to impose as little as possible. He wished he could take care of himself; he didn’t want to be a burden on anyone.

A few months after his mother’s death, a lady came to visit. She was there to take him away. His uncle didn’t want him anymore. He went to stay at a place with 17 other children. He was even less wanted there. He was a burden to this world! Everyone just wanted to throw him in the trash, but they had to pretend his life meant something. They had to pretend saving the boy was important.

By the time he reached the tender age of 9 he couldn’t stand it anymore. Each time he looked into their eyes, he felt unloved. They desperately didn’t want him. As darkness fell he slipped out of the house and started running down the street. Through his tears he promised himself to never again be a burden on anyone. He found a spot under a bridge to stay for the night. He thought back to his mother, about what she said before she died. Did she really mean it? Did she just want to make him feel good for the last time in his life? Was he really special? If so, why was she the only one who saw it? Was there anyone else in this world who would want him? As these thoughts raced through his mind, the little boy’s heart filled with anger. Why did she tell him he was special? Why didn’t she tell him the truth?

***

A few days later and the little boy’s stomach shoots with hunger pains. He desperately wants something to eat, but he doesn’t want to impose on anyone. He doesn’t want to look into someone’s eyes again and see what a burden he is. He has no choice. Somewhere deep inside him, he wants to believe someone wants him. He needs to believe he can belong somewhere. He walks down the road, spots a house that looks homely, and knocks on the door.

A week later the boy’s frail body is found under the bridge, starved to death.

_______________________

If the boy knocked on your door, would the story have ended differently? Do we make people feel wanted? Do we make people feel like they belong somewhere? Do we make people feel loved and appreciated?

If you feel like that little boy today, please don’t stop knocking. There is a place where you belong. You are special! I will open if you knock.

Alex

2009-02-17T08:53:00.000+02:00

You are one of the best photographers in the world. Hiding in a canopy you take pictures of a lioness giving birth. Your pictures capture the utter beauty and grace of this moment. You can’t help forming an attachment to the lioness and her new cub. A few days later the malnourished mother tries to hunt. She’s exhausted, but it she doesn’t eat, her little cub will die. She chases after a zebra. As she jumps to attack the zebra, it kicks in defence. Staring through your lens, you capture a magnificently painful moment in time.

You want to leave. You want to get away from the tragedy. But you know the story isn’t complete until the cub dies. Now you have to go back to the little defenceless cub, watch it die without its mother… and take pictures.

The little cub rolls around in the dust, crying from hunger and loneliness. Its little lungs pierce the darkness and your heart. It’s crying to its mother. Your heart grows weaker still as you watch the cub drift away in agony. You take your last photo and drive away. You don’t want to be here when it dies.

You’re rolling around in your bed. Your photographs haunt you. You can almost hear its little cry for help. It’s probably dead by now, but it might still be crying. You jump up, grab some milk and drive off. You don’t know what you’re doing, but you can’t sit and do nothing. It’s barely alive when you get there. You manage to get some milk into its dry throat.

Three days later the little cub plays with your shoe laces. You can’t help but smile, and steal a few photos for your private collection. You have to give the cub away. It’s a wild animal; you can’t take care of it. When it grows up, you won’t be able to control it. But for now, you just want to enjoy playing with it.

A friend of yours is a vet, so you take little Alex to get inoculated. He warns you sternly to give the cub away, but you can’t. You won’t. Little Alex will be your little secret…

Since you took her in until the day she was shot, people warned you to give her away. But you held on too tightly. You saw the signs, but you couldn’t let go. When she was two years old she ripped your sofa to shreds and growled ferociously at you. You just gave her a huge chunk of meat to calm her down. Your life became terribly difficult, your photography suffered beyond repair. Yet, when Alex behaved, when you held her tight, you felt safe and secure. In the end, she was all that mattered to you. Even while she killed you, you only wanted her.

_____________________

The lion is anger, it’s lust, it’s jealousy and even fear. At first, it might seem innocent, small and harmless. You want to indulge… just a bit. You want to feed it… just a little. But if you feed it too much… it will tear you apart. There might be a time to indulge, to save the cub from dying. But then you must give it away. When it grows up, you won’t be able to control it. Give it to someone who knows how to take care of it.

If you are angry, if you feed that anger too much, it will mature into hatred. If you feed that hatred, it will devour you.

I beg you, don’t allow wild animals into your heart.

Choose life

2009-02-12T13:55:00.000+02:00

You had that dream again. The one where you fall. This time it really freaked you out! After you open your eyes your body hits the ground. Yip, after! You stare up at the underside of your bed. Your first thought is that it’s dusty. Your second though –which followed rather quickly- is that you need to see a shrink if your first thought after falling through your bed is… “It’s dusty”!

You’ve always been one of the cleverest bloggers in all the lands, so you quickly figure out what’s going on. You’re in the matrix! By the way, do you have the number of a good shrink? Anyway, you go outside to test your theory. This should be good! You think about Animatrix, and that guy who ran the 100m in 7 seconds. So you start running as fast as you can. It honestly doesn’t seem that fast. Maybe the machines fixed that bug after they watched Animatrix. Then you realize you were asleep when it happened. Perhaps you need to let your mind go (if you still have it). While running, you close your eyes and throw off all the shackles of this world. Could it actually be working? You feel like you’re running faster and faster each second. It feels amazing… until you run flat into a wall. Figures!

When you regain consciousness, you’re greeted with hysterical laughter. Your head is throbbing and you’re well embarrassed. But you need to know if it worked “Was I going really fast?” They burst out in newly invigorating laughter. You get up, dust yourself off and walk away from your most embarrassing moment to date. “I didn’t really get hurt? I ran into a wall… at really high speed!” Your eyebrows rise in tow as you say really. “I should be in the hospital now. This might not be the matrix, but there’s something special about me today.”

You drive down to the coast. You’re going to settle this one way or another. You’re searching for a huge vertical cliff next to the ocean. You’re going to jump off. Yip! The scary thing is, you’ve actually thought about this… and yet you’re still doing it. You stop the car, jump out and just start running. You’ve found what you’re looking for. There’s no stopping you now. You run as fast as you can. This time it looks rather impressive. You’re fast. Actually you look damn impressive! Especially for someone who ran into a wall not too long ago. You’re running so fast it seems your clothes can’t keep up with you. You exhale a peaceful breath as you take your final step. As your foot thrusts off the edge you close your eyes and spread your arms. Not too far away there’s a bystander witnessing the most surreal scene. It seems you’re gliding through the air as your body tilts backwards. From a distance you’re slowly moving further and further away from the cliff, and higher into the sky. It seems like some hidden force gently embraces you as your body comes to a standstill. In mid-air!

It’s like heaven has a tractor beam holding you in thin air. The sun pierces the clouds to line your body with a gentle golden glitter. It feels like the rays warm your body from the inside. You could stay in this peaceful bliss forever. That is until something brushes up against you. You open your eyes. A black shadow shoots through your body. You lose consciousness and you fall from the sky like the apple that invented gravity.

You wake up in a small dingy basement. It seems someone rescued you from drowning. “You discovered the rift in reality. The shadows want to kill you to stop you from tearing it”. The man stretches out his hands in front of him. In each hand there is a small pill.

“Oh snap! It really is like the matrix!” Your words are greeted with a raised eyebrow and a rather distained stare. You can almost see the words escaping his mouth: “We are not amused”. You want to ask him who’s this “we” but then you realize that he didn’t actually say anything. You just imagined he did. You swallow your smile. At least you were amused, if only for a while. “If you pick the blue pill, you forget everything. The shadows will leave you alone. You’ll be completely ignorant, but happy. If you pick the red, your life will never be the same, but it’ll be real for the first time.”

“This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life.”

_______________

What if life was like that? What if you had to make a choice today that will stick forever? You can either chase every temporary high, be oblivious, but fairly happy. Or you can walk a difficult path, but a real one, every step of the way.

What would you choose?

John

2009-02-10T11:18:00.000+02:00

Four years ago the world changed, you just didn’t realize how much till now. When World War 3 greeted the world with an atomic blast, most countries initiated a lottery system for “recruiting” soldiers. Whenever the numbers were getting low, a computer would magically spit out the names of the new recruits. As if assigning death warrants can really be that simple. A small percentage of the soldiers were volunteers. John is one of the volunteers. When he heard you won the lottery -you lucky idiot- he volunteered without hesitation.

It’s late at night when you and John finally return to base camp after an extensive reconnaissance mission. Completely exhausted your body collapses onto your bunk. You stare at John as he cleans his equipment. He’s smiling. It doesn’t matter what life throws at this man, nothing can get him down. How does he do it? What’s his secret?

The next morning you receive your orders. Your platoon will infiltrate the enemy town in three days. You did the reconnaissance; you know this is a death sentence. You’ve survived many battles with John by your side. But this is something else. After the briefing you sit down with John. You want to remain composed, but you can’t help noticing the pain and concern in his eyes. You were convinced of the level of screwed you found yourself in, but one look in his eyes and your mind goes into the foetal position and starts sucking its invisible thumb. John stands up with new found determination in his eyes “I have to go.”

The next three days you prepare as best you can. Your helmet and face mask does well to hide your tears. Fear consumes your soul and strips you of any strength you might have posessed. Where is John? You need him now. Did he go home? Volunteers can opt out if they wish to do so. You can’t really blame him. It was foolish for him to come in the first place just to help you. You heard a rumour that he requested to leave the army. You didn’t want to believe it. An hour before your convoy leaves, John rushes into your barracks sporting his familiar smile. It comforts your tormented nerves. He sticks some papers in your hand. He salutes you and with pride says: “It has been awesome serving with you.” Before you can realize what’s happening, two soldiers ask you for the papers and they escort you out.

Two days later you’re home intently watching CNN. Somehow John managed to swap your records. Now he’s the unlucky lotto guy and you’re the volunteer who bailed. Tears well in your eyes and your throat chokes up when you think about it. The news isn’t good. The next day you receive confirmation of his death. Your painful heart struggles to keep you alive. It doesn’t really want to beat anymore. You remember his smile and you crumble onto the floor.

What now?

In eleven years you’ll stand on the deck of a warship. The sun will set behind you and three thousand men will stand in front of you. You will tell them about John. You will tell them that he sacrificed his life so that you could live. You will tell them that he didn’t die in vain. You will become a key commander in the war. Eventually you will strike the final blow.

You'd better pick yourself up from the floor and start working on that!

___________________

When you’re broken and you ask, now what? Know that there is an answer.
And if someone sacrificed something for you, get up off the floor and make it count.

Someone

2009-02-07T21:57:00.000+02:00

You’re sitting in your bathtub with a razor blade in your hand. The water is cold. It doesn’t matter. You stare at your wrist. This is the moment where you're suppose to cry, but you don't. You’re too damn indifferent. Just cry, or scream, even laugh… just do something! Grace the world with some indication that you were alive before you died. But you don’t want to. There is nothing to be alive for.

You think about your life, as people in these situations often do. You tried, you really did. Nothing you did removed the cold black loneliness that is suffocating your soul. Every day is a struggle to the end. The mornings are the worst. You have to fight the depression just to get up. And when you do get up, you sit at the foot of your bed and cry for a while. While you cry, your soul becomes deadly ill. The strong voice that you heard as a child fainted into a distant whisper over the years. Your heart has been replaced by a sinister abomination. As you cry it pumps poison through your veins. Your breathing becomes shallow and your body starts to quiver. You become deathly anxious, suffocating in the harsh reality: You are alone. Completely alone. Not just in this moment, but in life.

You drag the blade through your skin. As the water turns red you smile. It’s been a while since you smiled. You close your eyes and wonder why no one saved you. The nameless faces that walked past you every day… why didn’t they say something. Why didn’t they save you? As your mind slips away you wonder:

“Why didn’t I say something… Why didn’t I save someone?”

_________

You might feel your problem is unique, and in many respects it might be. But there are people out there who suffer the same pain you do. Just like you, they need someone.

You can be that someone.

Why are you afraid?

2009-02-05T07:10:00.001+02:00

A little girl is trapped inside a burning building. She would scream if she thought anyone could hear her. Instead, she cries over the things that she will miss. Playing with her dog, running through the leaves, holding her mother… She wonders how much her mother will miss her. A wooden beam blazing with fire falls next to her. She huddles into the corner. She doesn’t want to die.

A massive axe smashes its way through a wall. Followed by a fireman. To the little girl, this is no mere man. He is an angel sent from God to save her. Calmly he walks over to her. He throws a special blanket around her and picks her up in his safe arms. The little girl stares into his blissfully calm eyes. The raging fire and crumbling building fails to make the slightest of impressions on this man. He smiles at her “Why are you afraid?” With those simple words her raging heart settles into blissful peace. There is nothing to fear anymore.

Confidently he walks out, not bothered by the flames wrapping around his waist. She can see the fire flickering next to her face, but it doesn’t matter. She just stares at him. He’s still smiling. Now and then he looks down at her, and she smiles. In all of this horror, in the fire and carnage… she smiles.

She isn’t surprised when they make it outside. Her faith in this man is unbreakable. He hands her to a paramedic and calmly walks back into the fire.

We all need someone that will be there for us in our darkest hour asking us “Why are you afraid?”

Today you’re a demigod.

2009-02-03T20:14:00.000+02:00

But you can’t help feeling that at the end of this, you’ll be a god .

Each century, all demigods compete against each other. The one who wins, becomes a god. A hundred years ago you were caught cheating, drinking a health elixir during the trails. The gods banished you to earth until today. Your time spend on earth has been terribly difficult. You faced countless battles and climbed endless mountains. The worst has been the pain deep inside you. Humans are so fragile, but you couldn’t help caring for them. You wept each time one of them betrayed you and each time one of them died. When she betrayed you, you broke more than you thought you should have. But you made it through. Stronger than ever. Your tribulations have prepared you for what’s about to happen.

There’s a barren stretch of land 100 miles long, filled with obstacles. If a demigod successfully makes it through, he becomes a god. Seems simple enough. However, once a demigod succeeds, the trails stop. The rest have to wait another century to have this unique opportunity again. So it’s the task of all hopefuls to ensure that no one – other than themselves - pass the trails. As part of your punishment you will be the last one to attempt the trails. If you were to fail, the trails will start anew and everyone will get a second chance. But that is only if you get a chance. What are the odds that no one preceding you will succeed? Will you let them?

A thunderous blast fills the air as the first demigod starts his trail. Fresh from you stint on earth, you’re still bubbling with emotions. Humans can’t really control how they feel. Some of that must have rubbed off on you. You signal to the others that you will go first. You could have waited for them to attempt to stop him, but your pounding heart wouldn’t let you. As a defender, you receive a mystical orb directing you to the general location of the challenger, usually somewhere in front of him. The challenger, however, is not allowed to have any aids. Oh right… that’s the rule you “forgot” last time around, idiot.

The orb leads you to a field of gigantic columns. The challenger is here somewhere. You press your back up against a column, close your eyes and lend all your concentration to your ears. You have to wait for your heart to stop thumping against your chest. Finally all is quiet, and you wait. There! To your right! You open your eyes and allow them to hunt for a while. You can almost hear evil laughter in your head as you spot him. Not too far away, running from one column to the other. Each time he hides behind a column, you dash to one closer to him. You’re so close now, you can’t contain your excitement. Carefully you study his timing. At the perfect moment, you sprint as quickly as you can, aiming to pass a few inches in front of his column. You close your eyes, tilt your shoulder and bow your head. A few hundreds of a second before you were scheduled to pass in front of his column, he jumps out on his way to the next column. He jumps right in front of a shooting demigod.

Time bends under the strain of two demigods colliding. It’s like the whole universe is running on a computer that is struggling to calculate what will happen in this collision. Bones shatter. Skin rips from flesh. Blood sprays like mist into the air. Your eyes are closed, but you see white light flash through the pain. The shock wave trembles the ground and levels the surrounding columns. Once time had returned back to normal, you can barely stand. The challenger however can’t even move. His attempt at godliness has come to a premature ending.

The two of you drink an elixir and go to sit on the sideline, as good as new. The next few challenges go by uneventful. The other demigods seem to do a good enough job at stopping them. Now and then you get involved. Not always succeeding in taking the challenger out, but weakening him substantially. One by one, they fail. The list of challengers in front of you is getting shorter and shorter. Anticipation steadily builds inside of you. You might actually get your chance…

You stand at the starting line, staring at the wasteland in front of you. You made it! Your chance has arrived! The agony and pain you endured the last 100 years made you so much stronger than you anticipated. You didn’t suffer in vain!

You step over the line. That distinct thunderous blast alerts everyone of your intentions. You stare in front of you with a confident grin on your face…

“Bring it on!”

I’ll finish the story in a couple of days. It could be a good one. You might gain new perspective on the hardship you’ve faced in your life so far… it could also suck noodles… I hope the former.

D7

2009-02-03T06:39:00.000+02:00

The concert hall fills with the most eloquent sounds of a grand piano. The audience is mesmerized, except for one. “There’s something wrong with the music… there… and there. Every now and then there’s something wrong… there’s a flaw. But it can’t be, this is the best pianist in the world. People like him don’t make mistakes… there it is again. One of the piano keys is flat.” After the concert the critic runs backstage waving his VIP pass at all the burly looking men standing around.

“Why didn’t you check your piano?”

“I did check it.
Methodically.”

“How did you miss the flat D7?”

“I didn’t miss it...

...I made it flat.”

“My piano is very rare, yet there are thousands of keys that sound indistinctly like mine. Not D7. It’s unique. You hear it’s flat, I hear it’s alive. What you see as flaw, I see as perfection. Can you be perfect if you are like thousands of others? Not in my world. I search for uniqueness in my music, if I don’t find any, I create them. You might see them as flaws, but I wouldn’t play if they weren’t there. Each time I play D7, I know life make sense. I don’t understand how life works, or why, but I know it does. Between all the flawless notes, there was a flat one, yet did people not applaud?”

Some of my flaws make me imperfect... some make me unique.

What about yours?

The story behind the stories.

2009-02-02T12:10:00.000+02:00

I’ve met a few people who possess a certain understanding of life that I thought significant. However, not a lot of people have the ability to impart their thoughts accurately and powerfully to someone else. The result is you sometimes struggle to understand the profound knowledge and wisdom someone possesses. And in turn, you can’t grasp how they are able to do certain things so eloquently and powerfully.

I’m not suggesting that I have loads of vital stuff trapped in my head that no one can access. But that’s the beauty of this blog (I’m hoping). I don’t really need anything of substance rolling around in my skull for this to work. I’ll take something real to me, and attempt to bring it to life with feelings, not thoughts. That way, if someone reads my blog, they might experience my emotions for a while, and in turn come to their own unique understanding of something real to them.

Now I could try to achieve this by simply - and foolishly - stating some emotions: “Relatively gloomy with a faint yet unmistakable sense of optimism brought on by the sensation that life could throw me a curve ball that simultaneously scares and actively excites me“. Somehow I question the effectiveness of this method... Instead I’ll write a story from time to time that inspires a certain emotion within me.

So if you do find yourself reading one of my stories, try to gain something from it in your own perspective. Try to read between the lines and discover what strings are attached to your heart. Now go ahead and yank some of them. You might be surprised to find out who has been hiding inside you all along.

Maybe you’re not just here to kill time. Perhaps, like so many out there, you’re also pursuing something real. If you’re lucky, this blog might challenge you to find some of the pieces you seek.

Don't open your eyes (conclusion)

2009-02-01T14:47:00.000+02:00

Please read the previous post before reading this.

The stench of burning flesh suffocates your lungs. You might have been able to stomach it - if it wasn’t your own. Your lungs burst to release an inhuman, hellish scream. Desperately you attempt to crawl out of the pit you find yourself in, only to be stabbed in the face with a giant spear. If only you could die in this place!

If only the agony and despair could escape through your broken skin like the blood that is now soiling your scorched flesh! But there is no relief. In life you experienced utter depression, but nothing like this! In this foul, burning nightmare your senses are mercilessly heightened to perfection. Your emotions seem unbearably pure.

“I don’t belong here!” your mind whispers through the agony.
Excruciating pain shoots through your entire body, leaving you completely paralysed. Desperately you gasp for a breath that never comes. Every second you die a new death. Amazingly you manage to verbalise a protest as a dark figure walks past your living corpse. More amazingly, it responds. You are pulled from your pit and the flames that were melting your skin finally die out.

“Everyone gets one trial!” you hear in a disgustingly vulgar voice followed by shrivelled laughter. You find yourself in what appears to be a courtroom deep in the belly of hell. You’re overjoyed! It was the simple things in life that you took for granted. Like waking up every day and not being on fire. Now you can’t wipe the silly grin of your face, simply because you’re not in agonising pain. Don’t worry. That smile will leave you soon.

The judge walks in: Satan himself. Then something really terrifying happens, and with this being hell, that’s saying something. When your eyes fall on him, you aren’t convicted of his evil, but of your own. Your lips start to quiver and your eyes well with pain and tears. Somehow Satan grants you the ability to see yourself through God’s eyes. Before God’s immeasurable perfection, in His blinding purity, His infinite holiness, you feel like the most ungodly, disgusting creature ever conceived of. In this moment, you feel like you deserve to be in hell. You want to be in hell.
Satan’s attorney throws a massive book onto the desk in front of you. A quick glance reveals it to be a book of every sin you’ve ever committed. Even the thoughts you’ve had that weren’t godly are in there. But at this point it’s rather moot. With Satan in the room, no one needs to point out your sin to you. You feel worthless all on your own.

The attorney speaks: “For the wages of sin is death. If there is even a single page in that book, you belong here.” He smiles a devilish evil smile. “Oh, you belong here!”

“I know”.

These turn out to be the two most difficult words you’ve ever had to utter. There’s nothing more you can say. Just before Satan can render the verdict, a door opens. Blinding light pierces the foul air. Jesus walks in. Words will always fail to describe the utter beauty you are beholding. It’s seems like everything about Him resonates beauty and peace. He looks over at you, piercing your soul with His gentle eyes. You feel more loved than ever before. Without thinking you fall to the ground and praise his Name with tears in your eyes.

“What are you doing here?” Satan demands. In the most loving voice Jesus replies: “The Father sent me.” “But why? You have no business here!” Jesus looks at you and smiles. “I obey my Father’s commands and remain in His love.” That remark certainly doesn’t appear to sit well with Satan. He clenches his teeth and growls like the beast he is. “Very well then, let’s get this over with!” Satan points to you and asks Jesus: “Did you die for this lowly creature?” Jesus looks at you and His face changes. A painful tear rolls down His beautiful cheek “Jesus, do you know this person?”

“I do not”.

You want to speak, but you can’t. You simply don’t have the strength to move your lips. What just happened? You want to tell Jesus you know Him! You want to remind Jesus who you are... How can He make a mistake like this? Jesus turns around and walks away.

You want to scream His name! You want to run after Him, but your body won’t move. If you could burst into tears, you would. Just as Jesus walks out the door you manage to whisper: “I know you Jesus.” It’s too late now. You don’t even know if He heard you.

Demons grab you and carry you back to your pit. In the background you hear Satan chuckle with delight. They hurl you into the flaming pit but as you hit the ground you’re surprised to find that it’s soft and not at all on fire. In fact, it’s blissfully cool. You open your eyes and find yourself lying on your bed.

You burst out in tears of relief! It was a dream! The most realistic dream you’ve ever had, but just a stupid dream nonetheless! You’re absolutely bubbling over with joy. You’ve never been so happy to simply just to be alive! While you’re jumping on the bed like a 5 year old, the phone rings. You battle to catch your breath from all the jumping but you don’t care. You answer stumbling over your words with excitement. You want to tell people how amazing it feels to be alive!

Funny how life works out...

The other end of the line greets you with tears. A good friend of yours passed away a few hours ago.

You drop the phone. Your heart stops beating for a while. Everything stands still.

It wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t you.

It was him!

Don't open your eyes!

2009-01-30T05:30:00.000+02:00

When you do... you'll be dead. The details are fuzzy and rather unimportant. What matters now is you're dead. Once you open your eyes, it’ll all set in. You lie quietly in the blissful darkness for a while. It's rather nice. Peaceful. Like long ago before the reality of life imprinted itself on your heart. Still, you crave to know what lies behind door number one, so you open your eyes...

You've heard of heaven, but you never realised how beautiful it could possibly be. This isn't something a human mind could comprehend, most certainly not a sane one. You never thought about heaven that much, but when you did, you thought about clouds. Bouncing around on clouds. Not really much to see, just clouds and angels all around. Nothing like what’s in front of you now. The vision behind the pearly gates can’t be captured by earthly words. It can’t be encapsulated by earthly thoughts. Still it would be awfully rude not to at least give it a shot!

The green grass glitters with what must surely be diamond dust. The luscious flowers bloom with what appears to be pride. Yip, that’s it: the flowers are definitely proud to blossom. Majestic trees edge powerful silhouettes over the picture perfect horizon. Streams of living water dance in the rays of the sun - if that is in fact the sun. The light on that side of the fence is alive. Actually, it’s not even light… it’s love… It’s God!

You rush to the gate. You need to feel God’s warmth on your skin! Two unimaginably powerful angels quickly stop you in your tracks.

“You may not enter unless your name is in the Book of Life!” Their mighty voices burst through the tranquil air like raging thunder, causing your insides to shudder with fear. Best you not try to sneak pass them. No one, nothing, can elude these giants. A kind gentleman pulls you aside to a pedestal with the Book

“Let’s have a look, shall we?”

“Yes please!” you say with a smile and a sense of reassurance. Reassurance? Do you need to be reassured? As the man turns the pages with clear intent, a small bead of sweat tickles your forehead as it slowly makes its way to your now worrying brow. His eyes fill with pain as he closes the book.

“I’m sorry, your name isn’t here…”

Your body starts to shiver and your breath becomes shallow and laboured. How could this be? You were decent enough, you lived a good life! You are a good person. A very good person! Reality is knocking at your door, but you’re not opening. Your mind is refusing to grasp the situation. You’ve been stubborn in life and this will be no exception. You will not allow yourself to comprehend what’s happening now!

Perhaps that’s a good thing. Take as much pleasure as you can from the last few seconds you will ever spend outside of hell.

Hopefully this is the start of something real.

2009-01-29T05:26:00.000+02:00

Not necessarily for your sake, but for my own I hope this won’t end up being a sparsely populated blog. If time could speak, I would want to listen to it now.

I’ve learned many things in my life, most of which is utterly insignificant. I did however pick up a few pieces of something real along the way. This blog will hopefully reveal some of those pieces. So I’m going to go ahead and call this blog an archive. That way, if no one ever stumbles onto my words, I won’t feel terribly dejected… yip, apparently that is a real word. Dejected, it means sad and miserable and the like. Perhaps I didn’t use it in the right context?

Anyway I can’t say that I desire loads of people to stumble upon my blog by happenstance (don’t you love funny words). I do however want a select few to enjoy my blog. And if at all possible, I want it to mean something real.