doubt

Believing in you came naturally.
Everything urged me to judge you favorably.
You seemed too good to be true.
Maybe that should have been a clue...

I surrendered my soul.
You became my all.
You made me strong.
Or am I wrong...

I believed in you.
Now what should I do?
As I dry my eyes,
I realize I created these lies...

It was easy to believe in you,
That’s all I really wanted to do.
Now to avoid my own demise,
I need to doubt my own lies...

__________

Sometimes it’s easier to believe in someone or something than to accept that you really shouldn't.

beauty in the shadow

You had good intentions, but the world didn’t. Your little seed was cast aside and fell on barren land. Miraculously you sprung roots. Hidden away in the shadow the warm rays of the sun seldom reach you. In barren land surrounded by sand and stone... you blossom.

You are rooted in a place no one would wish for. Take heart, any other flower would not have survived. You are the only you. No one can live like you live, love like you love, and blossom like you blossom. But now there’s a storm coming and you can’t move. Please don’t wither away... bloom.

Furious winds are tugging and tearing at you. Your roots are being torn from the soil. I think you’re fading. I want to uproot you and give you a home. But I won’t. You’re a flower that only blooms in the shadow. This storm will not break you. You will not wither away... you’ll flower.

a challenge...

You really should be more careful! Later today you’re going to fall down the stair. Your injuries won’t be that severe but you will spend the next two days in hospital. That’s where you’ll meet him. Next week this time he’ll be dead. But before he goes, he’ll wake something in you.

You don’t understand how someone who is half past dead could have more life in his eyes than you’ve ever had. His voice lingers in the air with strength and joy long after he’s spoken them. Then there’s the thing with his mother. She loves him dearly... but when she left his bedside... she kissed his forehead and said “I’m so glad this happened to you”.

Fortunately he will shed some light on your dark understanding of the situation: “I didn’t realize how messed up my life was until 3 months ago when they told that me I was going to die. At that stage my life felt broken and meaningless. The dark side of my mind told me it’s a good thing that I’m going to die because I’m just a nuisance to my friends and family. Fortunately I was strong enough to reject that thought. So I promised myself that no matter what it takes, I will die with a smile on my face. The last 3 months have been hectic, but I made it. My friends and family are overjoyed that I’m leaving the world like this and not in my former condition. In the end, I wasn’t a nuisance, but a blessing to them.”

He looks at you with a hint of sadness, but he tries to hide it. “I wish someone told me long ago that I could change my entire existence, and become someone people and even myself actually love in just 3 months.” Then he gives you a smile that looks completely out of place on a terminal patient. “Then I suppose it is now my duty to tell you what you can accomplish in the next 3 month...”

____________

Changing your entire existence in 3 months might be a bit much... but you can change more then you realize! If you're up for a challenge... Pick an aspect of your life that you’re not too happy about and promise yourself that in 3 months' time, that aspect would have improved drastically. Maybe improve your health, fix an estranged relationship, enjoy your work more or develop a deeper relationship with God. Whatever you want, pick something and promise yourself that no matter what it takes, you will drastically improve that aspect. You don't realize how strong you are, you can do this!


PS: If you actually fall down the stairs later today then I apologise.

run!

It is 2AM; most people are running around in their dreams. But in the real world, there’s a man running down the street. Pain floods his body. His bare feet are bleeding from the tar. He doesn’t stop. Following not too far behind him are dark figures with malicious intent. He looks behind him... “How did they find me?” Tears blur his vision. “I was so careful. I fought so hard to make sure they never found me again. I thought I was strong enough this time.” He stares up at the stars with broken eyes... “This will not end well for me...”

He glances over his shoulder. “Who is chasing me tonight?” Depression is there, Loneliness is not too far behind him. Grief and his brother Sorrow are both wearing those sinister smiles that say they are going to enjoy this. “This is bad! Hate isn’t chasing me. Out of all of them, he is the only one who lends me his strength. If Hate was here I could at least fight. This will not end well for me...”

Hopelessness –who’s still a small child, at least for now - catches up with him and jumps on his back. After a brief conversation the man stops “You’re right, it doesn’t help if I run” He turns around and waits for the rest to catch up with him. “They are going to hurt me tonight, but who cares anyway.” Only then does he spot him. The Monster breaks through the darkness. With blood stained teeth and sadistic red eyes he growls with anger. The man's eyes shoot open and his heart stops for just a little while. “No... not him... not him... anyone but him” He’s never given him a name. “If I give the Monster a name, I give him power. He has too much as it is. This will not end well for me...”

“Run!” His heart jumps back to life. He rips Hopelessness from his shoulder and bolts down the street. “The monster can’t catch me. I won’t survive him, not again.” He starts to cry, his pathetic screams light up the night. His crying has revitalized Depression who is now running twice as fast as he is. Depression leaps through the air and tackles him off his feet. He falls to the ground, scraping his face open. Each time Depression catches him it’s painful, but tonight... it’s unbearable. Painfully he stands up. Depression is still firmly holding him. He stares down the dark street. The evil red eyes approach. “The monster is here! This will not end well for me...”

He tries to run away, but Depression won’t let go. As he stumbles over Depression, the others arrive. Usually he just has to fight off one or two. But tonight, they are working as a wicked team. Depression and Loneliness pin his arms to the ground. Grief and Sorrow pin his legs. It’s over. The monster kneels beside him. With eyes filled with sadistic pleasure he whispers “I will let you experience pain brutal enough to destroy your soul. I will show you how to poison your emotions and how to use your thoughts as means of torture. I will teach you how to suffer. This will not end well for you...”

The monster sinks his nails into the man’s skull and rips out an image. “I see you have terribly painful thoughts. Let me show you how to use them...” The monster folds the image so that it forms a sharp blade. He smiles with horrific intent then stabs the man. Again and again the monster stabs the man, 30, 40, 50 times. The man screams with unbearable pain as the monster burst out in sinister laughter. “You have so much pain hidden in your thoughts. You have images that haunt you unbearably... this is going to be fun!”

As the monster and his companions laugh with delight, the man rips his arms lose and kick his legs free. He shoots up and races away. They follow quickly, desperate to torture him some more. Carefully he places the painful image the monster used in the back of his mind. His body is littered with stab wounds. His muscles should have stopped working hours ago. Every breath he breathes suffocates him just a little more. The skin underneath his feet is completely torn; he’s running on flesh and bone. Still, it’s better than the alternative. Standing still.

_____________

Life can get a bit much, so we hide our pain under our busy lives. We run around, because when we stand still, our demons catch up with us. They use our own thoughts to torture us so terribly. How do you remove painful images from your mind and take their power away? How do you stop running away from yourself?

I’d love to find the answer to that, but my demons are knocking at the door... I have to run!

Who will be strong for me?

My soul feels like it is out of breath. I struggle to find meaningful words to share with you and even with myself.

My savior for today comes in the form of one of my followers. Serene Chaos brings us this beautiful cameo post:



She was sitting up in bed, her knees pulled up under her chin. The morning sun was playfully bouncing off objects in the guest bedroom of her friend’s house. It was a beautiful morning – but the beauty was lost to her. She sighed like an old woman.

She allowed the past few days to replay in her mind, like her own private movie screening - the result was anything but a standing ovation! She felt a physical pain in her chest as she swallowed back what might have been tears, but there were none left. She felt so lost. Where to go from here? Everything she knew and trusted was stripped from her in an instant.

She was so tired! It was a fatigue that stretched further than mere flesh and bone, but reached into the innermost corners of her soul to leave its mark: a feeling so heavy that opening her eyes was a burden. She realised that she couldn’t pretend to be okay this time. The pain was too much! She sighed: “I can’t do this anymore. Who will be strong for me?”

A knock at the door made her look up. “Yes?” The next moment her friend was standing in the doorway with a cup of steaming hot coffee. Her friendly smile did not hide the concern that was etched on her face, but for an instant, the burden seemed to lift. “Thank you…” Her friend smiled again. “Take all the time you need, and whenever you’re ready, I’ll be right outside that door if you need to talk.”

______________________

Sometimes we feel so much pain that we fail to see the ones knocking at our hearts. If we allow them to help, they can make the burden easier to carry.

me again

Consume my soul for a little while. Break my heart just a little more. Remove the breath from my lungs and banish the smile from my lips... I beg you.

Someday I’ll try to be strong. Not today. Today is a day to indulge you... my sin. I won’t fight you this time. I’ll give up so you can take over. Do with me as you please, and I’ll smile for you. When the whole world goes to hell, I’ll smile for you. When I choke on the dust while I’m broken on the ground. When you fill my soul with pain and my thoughts with hatred. When you push everyone out of my life and leave me with no one... I'll still smile for you.

You crave to tear my life apart... you want me to die. But I won’t die for you! Stare into my eyes if you dare... and I’ll smile for you.

believe in me

She hangs on the side of the cliff, out of breath and discouraged. She had to fight hard to get this high, but she’s not even half way. Staring at the man hanging next to her, she gives up. “I can’t go any further, let’s go down.” He smiles at her, in the way he always does. “If I thought you couldn’t go on, I would let you go down. But I know you can do this, I believe in all of you!”

She doesn't believe.

With lots of sweat and some hidden tears she makes it close to the top. Then she falls. She wants to scream, but her body is too weak. Hanging in mid air she looks up at him. He’s smiling again. “You didn’t think I’d let you fall?” She’s angry at him, she wants to give up but he won’t let her. “Let me go!” she cries. “I’d let you go when I stop believing in you…” He grins, “…don’t hold your breath.” Why does he still believe in her? Is he blind to the obvious… or can he see something the world refuses to acknowledge about her? He pulls her up “You’re not done yet, this mountain is not bigger that you!”

__________

When someone believes in all of you, no mountain will stop you!