goodbye

This will be my last post.

A year ago I started this blog. It has been an interesting journey in which I attempted to capture and articulate something real. It wasn't always successful, but perhaps that was an insight into what isn't real. In any case, I truly hope you found at least one post that spoke to your heart. If you did, I count myself fortunate to have played a small part in your life. Thank you for letting me in.

Hopefully I will meet you again in another life.

Goodbye.

odd shaped hole

You bring me to life.

I light up a room when I enter. I inspire, strengthen and encourage. I move the earth to everyone’s delight. But somehow, it means nothing to me now.

You justify my existence.

When I wake up, there’s an odd shaped hole in my heart. When I go to sleep I drown my pillow in tears as I realise… the hole is a little bigger now.

I become irrelevant without you.

As the sun sets my soul slips away. The world fades behind my tears. One simple thought lingers in my head now.

Where are you?

16 seconds

You wouldn’t believe the destructive power of 16 seconds. One second you wear a smile while a hint of excitement glitters in your eyes. 16 Seconds later, you lie on the floor. The life you thought you knew shatters into an abyss of broken nights and distraught days. Hold on. I know you don’t want to, but hold on anyway.

When… if you survive those 16 seconds, and if you survive the days, weeks and months that follow, you will be unbreakable. If you survive.

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Sometimes life rips us to shreds. You get a phone call, and in that moment you know you can’t survive this. Hold on! You will come out stronger at the other end. But I beg you, please hold on!

thinking makes it so

I am worthless…

My life is meaningless…

No one loves me…

No one even cares about me…

This world would be better without me…

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Shakespeare wrote: “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”. The question is, are we using our thoughts to manipulate something into appearing good, when it is actually bad? More importantly (I think), do our thoughts convince us that something very beautiful is ugly?

climb

He stands at the foot of the mountain and stares at the challenge that lies before him. He’s very confident and even a little cocky that he will conquer the mountain. Two days later and he’s made great progress, but it’s not as easy as he thought. A week later he reaches the halfway mark. Unfortunately he’s depleted more than half his strength and resolve.

A fellow climber spots something strange in his backpack… “Why do you have a fire extinguisher in your backpack?” He smiles “I used to be a fireman.” His answer is met with a raised eyebrow and a WTF expression. “Okay… and what is the calculator for?” “When I was writing my finals, I forgot my calculator at home. I did very badly and that maths mark has haunted me since.” Now the stranger has two raised eyebrows… “Okay… and how about that big gift wrapped box?” Sadness fills his eyes “My last girlfriend dumped me because I forgot her birthday.”

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I know what you’re thinking… No one will carry so much from their past with them when they are trying to climb a mountain... no one is that stupid! Or are we? The beginning of a year is a good time to look forward and plan ahead, perhaps even decide what mountain(s) to climb. For me it’s also a good time to look back and let go.

Sometimes we carry terrible baggage around with us. So now I look back at the mistakes I made and say: “Yip, I did that… it was stupid. But it’s not who I am anymore. I won’t allow it to define me, and I won’t allow the memory of who I was spoil the possibilities of who I want to be.”

It's much easier to go forward if you stop looking back.

merry christmas

Shortly after the world was created evil stood against mankind. The result of this clash shaped the face of the world. We lost. The earth was given to the enemy. Death, decay and melancholy were born on that horrible day, to name but a few.

To defeat this evil, an unprecedented event needed to occur.

Two thousand years ago, God stepped in to do what we never could. It cost Him a grave price, but He defeated the evil on our behalf. The question is simple… are we going to accept what He did, and be free, or are we going stand guilty in front of this evil, and live like slaves.

light in the dark

Home is not a place I want to be right now. I don’t even want to call it “home” anymore. What would I do without my friends? Where would I be? They keep me safe and sane. Tonight when I stumble, they will catch me. I’ve been crying all day, but tonight they will vanquish my sorrows and pain. If only for a little while. These nights give me just enough strength to make it through another dark valley. Speaking of which... another one awaits me tomorrow. Thank God for tonight!

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The people we call friends should be a warm intimate family that lean on us when they’re fragile and carry us when we’re weak. When you find friends like that, cherish them greatly.

face to face

She walks into the room, her body appears lifeless. “I can’t do this anymore.” she whispers as she falls to the ground. He looks at her. He wants to pick her up. He wants to help her. But he doesn’t. “Help me…” she begs him. He fights to keep his tears inside. “I want to help you. I really do. But it won’t.” Her eyes stare up at him like a little puppy that has just been kicked across the room. “Why...” she forces the question through her tears.

“When the General asked if you could do this mission, you agreed with vigor. Because you knew you could do this. But during the past two days, you’ve allowed your fears to break down your strength. Nothing has changed since he asked you to do this. Nothing, except you started to fear the mission. If I helped you, it would give credit to the fears that you have that you are not good enough for this mission. Whether you like it or not, I’m not going to help you. You will do this on your own. Now get over your fears and get out there!”

She just sits there for a while, shaking her head. Finally she gets up, grabs her weapon and walks to the door. She turns around “You’re a dick… but thanx anyway for letting me face my fears.”

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In many situations we are stronger than we think, but we give our problems power over us by manufacturing things to fear as we go along. When we face our fears, our problems lose their power, and we have a better chance to overcome them.

I know

I can see the pain you try to hide
I see all the things you try to keep inside
I know all about your lonely heart
And how you feel like you’ve failed before your start

I know how worthless and empty you feel
When you search so hard but find nothing real
And I know how many tears you cried
When you felt like no one was one your side

You don’t realize yet, but I promise you this
Without you this world would be amiss
You’re beautiful beyond compare
When you give your all with nothing to spare

You feel that all your agony has no reason
But hold on, it’s almost your season
You’ll blossom and bloom to your heart’s content
You’re becoming the rose your pain has mend

-- God

perfect gift

When he was 5 years old his mother passed away. Before she did, she handed him a magical little bottle. “Son, listen carefully…” she whispered with a smile. “Whenever you feel weak and the world seems too big for you, open this little bottle and smell the magnificent perfume.” She gave him a final smile, and faded away…

As he grew up he encountered painful challenges. His life was not an easy one. When things got really terrible and he started to break, he would open the little bottle, smell the majestic perfume and be ready to face the world again. He didn’t understand how that little bottle could strengthen him so much. But then again, he didn’t know what was in it…

Before his mother died she told a friend the most horrible thing about the disease that’s killing her is that it is robbing her son of a loving mother. She accepted that she was going to die, she made her peace, but she couldn’t accept that her beautiful son won’t have a mother. The friend she shared this with was fortunately no mere mortal. He placed a hand on her shoulder and pulled a little bottle out of his pocket. “How much do you love your son?” “With my all!” She confessed with powerful certainty. The little bottle started to glow in his hand. “How much do you love your son?” She burst into tears “With everything that I am!” The little bottle seemed to catch fire in her powerful words. The man smiled and handed her the bottle. “Whenever your son smells the sweet aroma of your perfect love for him he will be strengthened to new heights. You won’t be with him, but your love will be.”

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I don’t think we can comprehend how powerful love is, or how powerful it makes us. I can’t think of anything this world can throw at me that I can’t withstand if I have the unconditional love of someone amazing!

support

He stares deep into her eyes. “Please don’t do this?” She stands up with firm conviction. “I’m sorry, but I have to.” Slowly he stands up as well. He pulls her hand into his. “If this means that much to you then you should go through with it, but you’re not doing it on your own.” She takes a step back. Her eyes are filled with puzzles. “You hate what I’m about to do… Why would you come with me?” A peaceful smile appears on his face: “I do hate what you are about to do, but if this is what you want, then this is what I want for you.” He holds her close. “I know how much this means to you, so I’ll bite my lip and keep my reservations at bay. I will make sure that you get what you want.”

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If we love someone, we have to try and support their decisions even if we don’t agree with them.

dialogue

Her relationship with her fiancé is sliding and she doesn’t understand why. They are both under more work stress these days but she tries to compensate for it by being super supportive. She always has something nice to say when he gets home. She compliments him regularly and tries to build him up. It hasn’t helped.

His relationship with his fiancé is slipping and he doesn’t understand why. Regularly he would leave work early so that he can prepare a nice dinner before she gets home. He would do loads of chores around the house, even the washing without her having to ask. It hasn’t helped.

They are both giving a lot of themselves, but they are not speaking the same language. Words are important to her, and thus she compliments him often. Deeds are important to him, so he does a lot for her. If she wants to speak his language, she should do something for him. Even if it doesn’t seem like a big thing for her, it’ll mean a lot for him. In the same way, he needs to give her more words of affection.

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There are more languages than just these two. Do you know what language you speak? Do you know what language your loved ones are speaking? Most importantly, can you speak their language?

turning the page

My days turn like pages in a book.
A tedious book.

I have no choice but to live each day, to read each page.
Nothing happens.

I imagine the book taking me places I’ve never been.
It doesn’t.

I want the story to build up to something amazing.
It never does.

So I wake up to another day...

I turn another page...

.
.
.

How mundane...

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Are you living? Or just going through the motions?

persona

“Why did you do that?” he stares fiercely at her. She drops her head in shame. “I don’t know.” Slowly he shakes his head in disapproval. “That’s not good enough. I need to know why you did it.”

As she stares at him her shame turns to contempt. “Because I wanted to. Because I felt like it. Who are you to tell me how to act?”He gets up and walks away. Just before he leaves he looks back: “I can’t tell you how to act, I just didn’t think you would do anything like that”

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We create personas in our minds of the people we know. When there’s disconnect between that persona and the actual person, we can hurt the ones we love. When someone acts different to what you expect of them, before you judge them, judge your persona of them. If the persona you created doesn’t reflect their true nature, change your vision of them to fit in with who they are instead of trying to change them to fit into your vision of who you think they are.

don’t fix it

She closes the door behind her and drops her bag on the floor. Her shoulders tell how defeated she is and her face reveals that she’s been crying. She falls down on her bed. Emptiness fills her chest and fear creeps in. She picks up the phone; she can’t be alone right now. Twenty minutes later her best friend knocks on her door. He walks in and holds her tight. Her pain fades into something she can manage. They sit down and she tells him the story behind her tears.

Quietly he thinks for a while. “I think I can help. I need to go do something.” He smiles then gets up to leave. “Please don’t go, I just don’t want to be alone right now.” Her words aren’t enough to keep him there. He leaves. She sinks her head in her hands as the pain flares up again.

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Despite the boyish profile picture, I am a man… I even have facial hair now :) One of the problems men have is we are problem solvers. I see something that’s broken and I want to fix it. By doing so, I’m not listening to the person, but to the problem. Instead of empathizing, I’m formulating a plan.

When someone fixes their own problem, they gain strength and confidence. We shouldn’t take that away. Most people can solve their own problems; we just need to hold them when they feel they can’t.

halloween party

She stares across the room at a man who holds all her attention. His eyes meet hers and time slows down to accommodate her rush of emotions. Her beautiful smile draws him in as he makes his way to her. “Hello cat woman” he says with a smile, revealing his fake vampire fangs. She feels very flirtatious tonight “Tell me, do you only suck human blood, or will mine do?” He stands closer and stares into her eyes “I think your blood will be far sweeter than any human.” She frowns, he looks way too serious. Suddenly he thrusts her against the wall and bites her neck viciously. She knocks him away “Damn it Rick, what’s gotten into you?” He looks at the floor with shy eyes “I’m sorry, I guess I got a little carried away”

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Sometimes we behave how we think we should instead of how we want to. Unintentionally we create masks, to fit in or to protect ourselves. If we’re not careful our masks can become us and we lose who we are meant to be.

2sides

At 2am his phone rings. His heart jumps because he fears the person on the other end will fill his heart with sorrow. “She didn’t make it…” That’s all he needs to hear for him to shatter the phone against the wall. The next few weeks fade into a haze of nightmares and tears.

Today someone was rude to you. Later you are going to hint for an apology. He’ll just say “whatever” and walk on. You should make a mental note of their behavior. This is not someone you want as a friend.

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These stories might not be related, but do we ever give people the benefit of the doubt? Do we try to understand the lives of others before we condemn? Too often I jump the gun and point out how someone inconvenienced me at a time when they desperately need encouragement.

hold on

His brothers always hated him. So much so that they sold him as a slave. He was broken, but he made sure not to stay that way. Instead of fading away, he worked hard as a slave and his master couldn’t help but notice. He gained more and more respect until the wife of his owner tried to lure him into her bed. Upon his refusal, she accused him of sexual abuse. Without a trail, he was thrown in jail.

He was broken, but he made sure not to stay that way. He worked hard, insistent never to miss a stride. In the harsh conditions of prison, he built a reputation as a man who wouldn’t lie down when the world gave him a beating. Soon the emperor became aware of this unique man, and demanded to see him. As the story goes, he eventually became the second most powerful man of his time!

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We all face difficulties, some more than others. Although we can’t help what happens to us, we can decide how we are going to respond. The question you need to ask yourself when trouble hits: Are you going to be a victim or a conqueror?

thinking makes it so

Harry takes the seed out of the tiny box and squishes it into the soil. He can’t wait to see what will sprout forth. The lady at the magic store said the plant feeds on emotions. “You don’t need to water it, but you have to feed it with your emotions. Depending on the emotions it receives, it can be majestically beautiful or hideously vile.” During the next four weeks, Harry would come into the room each day and think happy thoughts. He would read jokes, laugh and smile as much as he could. When the loneliness crept in, he would quickly leave the room.

Harry walks into the magic store and places a pot containing a rather unpleasant looking plant on the counter. “What did I do wrong? I fed it each day with all the happy emotions I could muster. Please tell me this is not what the happy side of me looks like.” The lady smiles politely, “Did you plant it in the special soil I gave you?” “Yip, I did exactly as you explained.” “And do you remember what I said about the soil.” Harry looks up into the corners of his eyes, as if trying to remember. “You said something about the soil receiving its nutrients from my thoughts.” “That’s correct, so tell me Harry, what did you think while you were in the presence of the plant?” This is when Harry starts doubting himself a little and no longer the quality of her products. “Well... it’s difficult to keep my mind off the things that bother me. But I made sure to always be in a good mood while with the plant.” She places her hand on his shoulder “Even our most beautiful emotions with negative thoughts can turn ugly.”

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I don’t think we realize how much our emotions feed off our thoughts. If our thoughts are not healthy, we can’t expect our emotions to be.

one of them

She walks into the cafeteria. Her heart feels numb and cold deep inside her. There are a few open tables, but she can’t face being alone. Not today. Quietly she sits down across two girls. They look at her with questions in their eyes, then get up and leave. Softly she whispers “Please don’t go”. She clenches her teeth and pleads with her tears not to escape her eyes. “Lord, you know how much I need you today, please help me…”

Moments later a guy sits down across her. He eats his food rather casually, then looks up. He smiles. She tries to hide her eyes before they can expose her pain. It’s too late. He already knows. He stretches out a hand and holds her arm. She stares into his kind eyes and he smiles peacefully.

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We all have days when we can’t do it alone. Fortunately this world has extraordinary people who care deeply. I am hoping you are one of them :)